How Boys Think

Chapter 4: The Middle Stages of A Relationship

Yo, yo, yo! This installment is all about the middle stages of a relationship... you know the awkward moments where you don't know what to say or the constant texting like you're an IM whore.

Anyway, this was recorded at Brandon's house and they were rather distracted. Oh and by the way, ever since I became the interviewer, they started picking on me non-stop.

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Reece: Okay, we're going to talk about the middle stages of a relationship. Keep it clean and please no vag sightings today.

Clyde: Well I'm only seeing one vagina and that's you.
Dean: Has anyone realized why vagina is such a weird word?
Roger: Yeah Dean, that's what we all do when we lay in bed at night, think about vaginas.
Brandon: Why would anybody be interested in what we say? The last girl I spoke to was my mom and she was stuffing a peanut butter sandwich in my bag. Fuck my life.

Reece: Damn you guys sound like lil pansies today. This was followed by a lot of "Go away you whore, I hate you and your mother, why don't you jump off a cliff... a really fucking huge cliff" from all of them. Moving on, say you and this girl have been dating for two months and she seems to be reaching the clingy stage, what do you do?

 Clyde: Say you're dying from some unknown disease and you have to run away because you can't see her suffer. She'll fall for the shit, that's like major twilight shit.
Dean: I actually agree with Clyde on this one. You gotta run like Forrest Gump, and when she starts giving you crazy eyes then curl up in a ball and cry.
Roger: Aren't clingy girls good in bed? Brandon, your room is bloody cold, Reece is freezing his vagina.
Brandon: Now that I think about it, vagina is a weird word. Can anyone even say vagina without a smile?

For five minutes we all tried saying the word vagina without smiling, we failed. After we calmed down and stopped talking about how hot Brandon's sister was, I continued the interview.

Reece: Okay, what's the worst pet name a girl has ever called you?

Clyde: Once a girl called me bunny and I was like "What?" Do I look like a fucking rabbit to you?
Dean: Clyde, maybe you hump like one? My ex girlfriend called me baby, that was alright but sometimes she used to overdo it and I would want to scream "Get the fuck out, woman!"
Roger: Once a girl called me Roger... she was my mother.
Brandon: Worst name, definitely Jigglypuff. Who names their boyfriend after Pokémon? I wanted to whack her on the head with a fucking Jigglypuff.

Reece: What's the first thing you think of when you're girlfriend has the Bitch Syndrome?

Definition of the Bitch Syndrome: When a female wakes up one day and decides to be a bitch hence she starts accusing males about useless shit like why there's no sun in the sky, how come her ass is fat or why does he need sex. If a girl has Bitch Syndrome more than twice a month it may be due to two reasons. The first is that she is pregnant hence you calmly tell her "Bitch be gone". The other reason is that she is crazy, so thus you respond with "Crazy bitch, be gone". These are legit, verified definitions. Check this shit up in like fucking oxford dictionary or something.

Clyde: I hate the bitch syndrome. I normally just run away from the relationship after I hump them, it's the only way a guy can stay sane.
Dean: I tell her my nana died and I can't take this shit anymore.
Roger: Dean your nana died like 5 times this year. I think Bitch Syndrome is hot especially if it comes equipped with a vagina.
Brandon: When a girl usually bawl out her problems I usually respond with "Wow, that's horrible" and "Really, no!" I don't pay attention to jack of what she's saying though maybe if she shows her vaggy I would?

Reece: Okay, so someone from Wattpad asked me,

What gets on a guy's nerves in a relationship?

Clyde: If you don't bang him at least 4 times a week, he will look elsewhere. He would be so sexually deprived he would bang the girl at the corner of the classroom who laughs like a mongoose and wears fucking pink unicorn t-shirts.
Dean: When she keeps asking if her ass looks huge. Seriously, has she even seen porn nowadays? Girls got some big asses. Hey has anyone seen that one video where a girl sits on her boyfriend and he gets suffocated?
Roger: I wish I was her boyfriend.
Brandon: Okay seriously, what the fuck was that answer Roger?

Reece: Okay well since you guys answered that like fucking dweebs, answer the next one.

When my girlfriend and I sleep together I cause her pain, what can we do to fix that?

I don't mean to sound like an immature inexperienced kid because I'm not. I'm 24 and have a kid by another woman, my current girlfriend is the first girl I've been with since my ex fiancé.

Clyde: For words my man, you're doing it wrong.
Dean: Do you want me to punch you in the face? You got a kid yo, and you worried about other wominz!
Roger: Tell her to invite me on Skype.
Brandon: How is inviting you on Skype going to cure her pain?

Reece: What's your longest relationship?

Clyde: Three weeks, give or take an hour. She was crazy, used to send me love notes and shit. She looked like Hanna Montana.
Dean: Is that why you burst into tears whenever you see Hanna Montana and start throwing potatoes at the TV whilst saying "Go away you lying bitch!"
Roger: My longest was 2 years with Reece's mom.
Brandon: Really Roger, was that relationship on Skype?

Reece: My mother does not have fucking Skype! Describe your perfect girlfriend.

Clyde: She should be a porn star hence she should be a hoe who owns a camera.
Dean: She should have a vagina.
Roger: I raise you a vagina and add double D boobs.
Brandon: I fucking raise you a vagina, double D boobs and add a Kardashian ass to it. Badabing badaboom! Perfect girl.

Reece: On a date, what is the perfect movie to watch?

Clyde: Buffy the Vampire LAYER. Oh yeah.
Dean: Blood and Guts- Revenge of the Psycho.
Roger: My Vagina is a Zombie Killer Saga!
Brandon: Harry Potter and the Penis of Fire.

Reece: When it's your anniversary, what do you guys do?

Clyde: Just like any other day, you hump the living daylights out of that- This comment was edited due to an x-rated response.
Dean: Nothing, what the fuck do I look like? Someone from Driving Miss Daisy.
Roger: Uh, I send her an e-card?
Brandon: Take a picture of your penaynay.

Definition of a Penaynay: The necessary instrument used to wean and convert lesbians and virgins into useful, productive members of society.

Reece: Okay, final question. What is the one main thing that a girl should never do while she's in a relationship?

Clyde: Never say no when the dude asks for sex. That should be in a freaking rule book.
Dean: Don't ever fucking repeat the name Justin Bieber or I will chokeslam you.
Roger: Never not have a vagina, that shit should be illegal.
Brandon: I know what she should always say. "Wow, it's huge"

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And that's the end of part 4! Thanks for all the comments/votes/fans. The guys do actually read it. The next installment will be up tomorrow!

Until then, condomize.

Reece.