I'm a plussize girl and it's hard for us. Just like with any other minority label, you're misunderstood. I hate school and the people there. My best friend is sleep. In reality I have quite a lot of friends, but I still feel alone. Everyone knows me, but it's not a result of being popular. The boys at my school think I'm slutty, but I've never kissed a boy or given anyone head even though I want to! I want to let go and release my impure thoughts and be who I want to be. My insecurities won't let me. I'm just a seventeen year old mess.
My biggest crushes are my older half brothers. They're twins and so gorgeous. I guess you can tell from the cover of this book. I have dreams of them and fantasize about them when they're standing right in front of me. I love my daydreams. No one can take away your dreams. The older twin, by a minute, is Maxim and the younger is Michail. They're Russian and came to America when they were three years old. A year later Andrys met my mom and she gave birth to me. Their relationship was complicated for years, but they seem like mom and dad to me. They don't tell me the finer details, which is ok with me as long as they are happy and we can stay together. I'll find those details out eventually.
I find it so weird that people have a problem with my parents. My Russian dad, Andrys, is in love with my mom who is American and Black. Why can't they see that they are good people with open hearts. Instead, our family is looked at as if we are doing something weird. I just think that the other black men are jealous of Andrys because my mom is gorgeous and they could not get to her first. The same can be said of women for my dad. They're a beautiful couple and both bring something to the relationship.
Andrys has opened my mother's eyes. She was from a poverty stricken area of West Baltimore, while Andrys is also from poverty as a child, while he was in Russia. My mom had to take care of my uncles and aunts, while my dad was adopted. Eventually my dad went to college and my mom started her own child care business. Now my mom goes to college online.
I appreciate both of their view points on life, but my dad can be a little bit more optimistic sometimes. My mom keeps the family grounded with her blunt speech, though she tends to have a bad temper, but it teaches us to hold our ground. No one in my family is quiet. I guess I can be considered the quiet one at times. I guess I can be a little weird because I feel so far removed from my brothers. They are so much older than me and have their own lives. I just can't keep up at the moment.
To say that we're the perfect family is far from the truth, but we're learning how to deal with each other. When I compare our current lives to the stories my dad tells me of his dysfunctional household as a child and teenager I am more than happy to be where I am. My mom doesn't like to talk about where she came from.
I just can't say that I'm this happy when I'm at school. Thank goodness that it is the summer and I will be in college this fall. This means new friends, a new environment, and a new start! I'm so excited! I'm secretly excited about this summer. School is out for everyone and that includes college students. Unfortunately Maxim did horrible this semester so he will have to take some courses over, but Michail is home for good. He graduated a month ago and today we will be going to help them pack. It's going to be a little weird for me having them in the house all the time, even though I grew up with them I didn't spend much of my teenage life with them. They don't look like little girls to me anymore, they look like grown men that can do things to me that I might like. That thought made my stomach drop. The thought of one of them doing something to me. Even a kiss. I've never kissed a boy. What would that feel like? It's 2013 so I masturbate and I watch plenty of porn, but it's always different when it's actually happening to you. I have to stop these thoughts or I will make it awkward for myself before they even get here. I just think nasty at night when they can't see me. I smile sneakily to myself.
I look at the clock, it's 9:06 am and I'm going to be late as usual. Mom wanted to leave at 9:30 am exactly. She's extremely particular about being on time. I woke up at 7 am. "What the fuck have I been doing all this time!" I yell at myself. I answer myself in my own head "masturbating and writing in your new diary." I have to rush now and that's what I hate doing, but I've grown very accustomed to it. I grab the shorts that I wore yesterday. They are lying on the back of my desk chair. No time for underwear which is ok with me because I never wear any. I feel a little sexy and naughty when I don't. I already have my black bra on, so I just put on an oversized racer back t-shirt with blue flowers and a crotched back. Next up are my favorite "any time" flip flops and I'm ready to go. Wait. What am I doing? I have to move stuff. These shorts are going to rise up and the shirt will fall. I hate being this big. You have to always plan your outfits according to the weather and if you have all of the necessary parts available. It's like a math equation. For example, today it will be 100 degrees outside. Great job mom! She picked today to move two college boys out of their cramped dorm rooms. I'm becoming frustrated. Anyway, the hot weather calls for shorts, but I have extremely thick thighs, so I have to wear tights. I only have spanx, which are extremely tight and still enable the shorts to rise up. The shirt I'm wearing is going to fall down which might show my bra. No bueno Dude! How about this. I don't help move, but I help pack. And if anyone has anything to say they can kiss my butt. Yea, I'm so courageous in my room where no one can hear or see me. "Rae!!!" Crap, that's my mom calling me. I have no time. Plan B will have to work. They're my brothers. They should understand and they'll have plenty of friends to help them. They're the popular ones in the family.