It feels so good. My first thought as the knife bites deeper into my skin with each press. The first sign of blood trickles down my arm and onto the white of the tiled bathroom floor. I raise my arm and admire the blood, with the release of the red substance my problems will too flow away. I snicker to myself, the blood slowly making waves along my arm.
I shift, pressing my wet back against the tub, drops of water splashes over the edge with the movement. Seventeen years gone in an instant. Tears begin to fall from my eyes, blood drips into the water as I use a hand to wipe them away. Who would have known that my life would end this way? In a dark bathroom of a motel room alone. I was always alone, so that part may have been guessed. Who would want to be friends with the outcast? The girl everyone sees but ignore. I don't exist in their world. I've known this for so long yet I've done nothing about it til now.
I reach out grabbing the glass bottle by the side of the tub. Tears blur my vision but my hands remember the routine. They grasp the bottle in one hand as the other turn the top. I can hear the rush of air when the top comes off in my hand.
"Cheers," I say to the mocking reflection that stares back with swollen bloodshot eyes. The bottle touches my lips, the liquid stings the cuts on my bottom lip as it goes down. It warms me, reaching to all the cold and dark places inside my body. I wonder if this is what love feels like. If I entered into love's embrace would I need this artificial warmth.
How stupid are these thoughts of mine. Love doesn't exist. My bloody fingers search for the knife that I dropped moments ago. At the prick of a finger, I know I had found it once again. I slash deeper at my wrist. Blood is flowing much heavier now. Clean water is now soiled with my diseased blood. The blood that keeps my heart pumping. It coats my bare chest as I cradle the damaged arm to me.
"Make the pain go away," a small voice whispers. "Please." There isn't anyone to hear my pleas. I'm alone, huddling in tub of cold water. I'll always be alone, I think. Always.
The light above me flickers. My gaze travels upwards. I watch as the light inside the bulb twitches several times before giving out. Darkness floods my senses, I'm leaving this world as I've always lived it...in the dark.
To the ones who saw this coming and to the ones that didn't,
I couldn't do it anymore. The weight of my existence was wearing me down. I'm sure none of you care but I'm going to say this anyway. Each day I struggled to go on and no one noticed. No one said anything about the bruises on my face or the cuts on my body. Green and purple patches of skin cover me from head to toe. That's why I wear what I do. Why I avoid changing in front of people.
What would any of you know about that? You sit there on your high horses, turning your nose up to anything you don't find amusing. You pretend to be my friend to get what you want and foolishly I stumble blindly into your web. Never again will this fly be food for the black widow. Soon I will leave this world forever, but first a few things if I may:
1. I'm a GIRL. Jeez
2.The paper I "wrote" for you was plagiarized. The entire thing, hope Mr. Grady doesn't realize it.
3. Every secret you've ever told me is now uploaded to Facebook for all to enjoy.
4. I was the one who informed the school about your "relationship" with the art teacher.
5. I hope you have a sucky life and live to be 129.
I know you won't but try to miss me just a bit.