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Funny quotes and comebacks


(Theses quotes range from the movies to the plays....)

Call the po-po, I aint scared of no the po-po ho.

She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. No, that wasn't me.


I'm Madea. Muh to da d**** D-E-A!

Lady, I got bout 27 people in my head and they was all about to beat yo a**!! I'm telling you, I'm crazy, I will burn this place DOWN!

You ain't even gotta say nothin' I done changed my life. I am livin' for the Lort, I am livin' for the Lort. When I think of the goodness of Jesus and all that he has donnnnnnne for me, my soul cries out halleu-yer thank God for savin' me.

Cooka big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.

I'm going by the church, I didn't say I was GOING TO CHURCH I said BY the church

Wwjd what's that? What's wrong with jermaine dupree?

Judge Ephriam: Bryan, does she watch your kids?  

Brian: Oh, she's actually really good, she's a big diciplinarian though, but uh... they have a lot of respect for her.  

Judge Ephriam: Really?  

Judge Ephriam: Stand up Nikki.  

Judge Ephriam: Mable Simmons, since you can't seem to act like you have any sense except when you're caring for somebody, meet Nikki Grady. You're her new foster mother.  

Madea: The hell I am! I dont - huh! - hell naw! It's a reason why god put a woman through menopause, I'm past 60... you know what that means? After that time you're not supposed to be bogged with no kids. I'm sorry, I will kill that lil girl... I don't know her...  

Nikki: So, You ugly anyway, old lady!  

Madea: She tryna get me the electric chair already.  

Judge Ephriam: Either you're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.  

Madea: I'll take the prison for 200, Alex. Lock me up, hell, I'd rather be in Martha Stewart's old cell fightin' for my *virginity* than to be sittin' there dealin' with this.  

Brian Simmons: She'll be a great foster mother, your honor.

I told you, you don't know how to lie. What kinda lawyer don't know how to lie? Lie and lawyer go together lie-awyer... lie-awyer!

Madea: Joe. Did that thing just push you?  

Joe: Sho did. She don't know about us. We Baptist. We tear this place up.  

Madea: Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!  

Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ig'nant.  

Madea: She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. No, that wasn't me.

Joe: We don't want it. Return to sender  

Madea: I remember I sent you somewere too and you came back with something. It still itching?  

Joe: Yo' momma. Aw hell that's my momma too

Madea: Look girl I'm done told you already to stop poppin' that gum!  

Nikki: Look! If you touch me, I'm gonna call 911!  

Madea: My daughter tried that. I hit her so hard she dialed nine nineteen!  

[turns around and starts hitting Nikki]  

Madea: . Put that seatbelt on! You better put that seat belt on right now!

Dr. Phil: 

What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need that you gotta "get" somebody all the time?  


Well when you gettin' "got" and somebody done "got" you and you go "get" them, when you get 'em everybody's gon' get got.  

Dr. Phil: 

Yea but you're gettin' the gotters when they didn't do anything to even get you.  


Yea but if the gotters get me I'm gonna get my glock.

Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.  

Madea: Say one more thing, Joe.  

[click of gun]  

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Tyler Perryas Madea
Will Smithas Agent Jay

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