Old Feelings

Prolouge

I smiled sadly at him as the thought of never being able to hold him again crossed my mind. "I'm going to miss you guys, be safe and have fun." I said to him and all I really wanted to do was embrace him tightly and never let go. I knew I couldn't though, because he didn't feel the same about me. He said thank you and slightly opened his arms to me. That's all it took for me to snap. I ran out the door and back to the car. Why of all people did it have to be him? Why were tears the most prominent reaction when it came to him. I sat with my knees pressed to my chest hoping he would come after me, knowing that isn't how things worked with him. I'd only ever been an acquaintance. Finally after what seemed like minutes but actually were hours Kiki, my dearest friend, came to check on me.

"Hey," she spoke softly, "how are you doing?"

"I can't... I..." I looked up at her tears still clearly present, "why did it have to be him and why does this have to be happening and why... why can't I just tell him?" I was so upset that I hadn't noticed when I raised my voice.

"Tell him what?" the voice wasn't hers, but I hadn't realized. I couldn't look up too emotional to even function properly.

"That I love him," I sobbed pathetically "that I really can't afford to lose him. That even if he never saw me as the ideal girl to date, he was my refuge, and... I need his warm smile to keep me sane in this fucked up world. His existence keeps me from locking myself alone in my room," I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder, "but please don't tell him any of this. It's too late for him to find out."

"She doesn't need to tell him anything," I looked up when I felt his breath on my ear, "you've done that yourself, and I'm sorry you kept this from me for so long. Please get up, I don't like to see you this way."

He pulled me to my feet with care as I wiped tears from my eyes. He stepped closer to me in an attempt to embrace me.

"Don't Brad, don't. Please just...I can't handle this situation okay, it's too much to take on." I turned my back to the two and rushed to my car. I cried all the way home and even more when I arrived. He's gone. The only thought in my mind for weeks on end. Yet, still to this day I don't regret not giving him that hug. I feel as though giving him that hug would've caused me greater pain when realization hit.

That simple hug would have planted in my heart, a little bit of hope only to be crushed shortly after. Causing me a much greater pain.