July 10, 2013 {Dealing With the Fam Bam Part I (Parents)}
I think the best and worst thing about families is that you can’t choose who you’re related to. Maybe when we’re all just souls up in heaven waiting for bodies, Allah has some system for figuring out who gets paired up with who. Who knows how that works? Put that on the list of things I need to ask Him when I see Him (inshallah one day).
After loving Allah and the Prophet Muhammad SAW, your mother and your father are next on the list of people who deserve your highest level of respect and love. Whenever I become friends with someone I always observe the way they treat their parents. It’s very telling about their character and how they are as a person. If someone cannot speak to the people who raised them with respect and dignity, they will NEVER fully be able to do that for you. Remember that.
There is NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING worse than being around someone who doesn’t speak to their parents with respect. Notice how I didn’t say love. See, I’m not naïve enough to believe that everyone loves their parents. Unfortunately, even in our ummah, sometimes the parent-child relationship is strained to the point that it’s irreconcilable. Even I’ll freely admit that there are certain issues I can’t discuss with my parents without it ending in a heated debate. No relationship is perfect but at the end of the day, my mother and my father taught me how to speak so I have no right to turn that ability back on them in a negative way.
Whenever I’m upset at my parents, I always look at baby pictures and pictures of them from before they were married or had kids. All I see are two young twenty-something people who were so excited to have a family. This helps me see my parents as PEOPLE, people with their own strengths and weaknesses, their own strengths and imperfections, and it helps me see them as someone other than the person who disciplined me over something I didn’t deserve (at least, in my opinion).
I also feel that how you deal with your family and the nature of your relationships with your family reflect very deeply in your character and your mood.
A hadith that I’d like to share with you:
Hazrat ibn Abbas (R.A.A.) says that the Holy Prophet (SAW) said to Ashajj Abd al-Qais: ‘You have two qualities which Allah, the Most Exalted, likes and loves: One in mildness and the other is toleration.’ (Muslim)
This Ramadan, don’t let the little habits and flaws bother you. If your mom or your dad get cranky when they’re hungry or stressed, just put a smile on your face and scream silently in your head, “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!! I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKYYYYY!!! BECAUSE I’M IN MY HAPPY ZONE.” Seriously, thinking happy thoughts in your head and talking to yourself goes a long way. Just pretend you have a shield and block out all that negativity and stress. Don’t snap back at them.
That’s how one develops mildness. Being mild-mannered is advantageous because when you stop letting so many external things bother you and just focus on beautifying yourself from the inside, somehow that inner goodness makes your environment seem more desirable to be in.
Now how does one practice toleration? If your mom is stressed that she won’t be done with iftaar on time, stay out of her way but help her in the most subtle ways.
Example: if you notice a few pots and pans you know your mom will need to cook unclean, just wash them and set them out for her. As someone who has kitchen cleaning duty during the summers (some of the best COAMG ideas have stemmed from there), it’s the smallest things that go a long way and make everything bearable.
Example for dads: we live in a really hot, tropical environment and my dad is tired after a long day of work with no food. We have a water cooler in our dining area where we get water from. Obviously the first glass you fill gets the coldest water. Just before it’s time to break the fast, I fill my dad’s glass first and hand it to him. I don’t really know if he realizes what I do, but little acts like that just fill my own heart with tranquility and peace, and it’s enough knowing that God knows what I’m doing. Little reliefs like that are great for calming stress and will just increase your own good feelings. :)
For those of you who are pensively reading this like, “My parents can be unfair sometimes,” I gotchu! I feel like when I’m older and look back on certain situations that have happened, I’ll still feel like my parents were wrong. THEY’RE HUMAN, OF COURSE THEY’RE GOING TO BE WRONG SOMETIMES.
And from talking to some of you, I know your parents aren’t exactly…pleasant. I get that some of you have strained relationships with your parents. And human nature just makes us go, “Yeah, well, why should I do anything to fix something that I didn’t even cause in the first place? They were being unfair, Ash, and they *insert parental flaw here*.”
My answer to you would be this:
Hazrat Ayesha (R.A.A.) relates that the Holy Prophet SAW said: Where there is softness it beautifies that thing, and from which it is taken away it snatches its glamour.”
Wow. So true. It may sound a little selfish but by being good to your parents, you’re only internalizing that goodness within yourself. See yourself as doing a favor. Just look for the little things that you can do around your house to treat your parents better. The value of words is nonexistent when compared to the value of actions. It doesn’t matter if they don’t see it; all that matter is that you’re doing it because you can bet that God sees it.
Being good only lands you in a win-win situation. If you like your parents and you’re good to them, it only betters your relationship and gets you more rewards from Allah SWT. If you and your parents don’t get along and you’re good to them you can A) better your relationship with your parents or B) your relationship may never be ideal but at least you came out a better person and you STILL get rewards from Allah SWT. What’s to lose?
Last tip for all y’all overachievers: SURPRISE YOUR MOTHER WITH FLOWERS. Or whatever else she likes.
The office where I do my internship has a Publix (a grocery store) right next to it so this Monday (the day before Ramadan for us) I walked over and bought my mom some flowers. When I got home, the smile on her face just made my heart ten times lighter. She asked why I had gotten them for her and I told her, “This is my official apology from two weeks ago when you gave me advice and I talked back to you in a frustrated tone. I’m sorry for upsetting you, and happy Ramadan.” I said that in half English/half Urdu, but whatever, y’all get the idea.
Oh my God if only you could have seen the smile on her face! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sight more beautiful. And I swear when I look in the mirror, I see a happier person too.
All my love,
Ash ♥
