My Coming Out Story (part 1)

Hi, this is kind of my coming out story. I'm making this part 1 because I haven't really told everyone yet, but I'm planning on it. I'll try to write part two when I'm fully out. I'm dedicating it to iloveyaoi15 because I read her coming out story and it motivated me to write my own. So, here goes... 

I first found out I was gay sometime when I was 14. I don't know an exact date, nor do I care about that, but I simply started appreciating guys more than girls. My first clue, I think, was that when watching porn (don't judge, you know you do it too) I paid much more attention to the guy(s) than the girl(s). The more guys were there, the more I liked the video. I also found myself annoyed by the girl(s) and would never watch lesbian porn.  

Finally I got it and considered I might be gay. But my problem is my internal attention-whore. I've always wanted to be different, to stand out, but at the same time I hate that part of me. So at first when I thought I was gay I thought it might be another attempt at being different, so I went into a several months long period where I doubted myself, arguing for and against my own homosexuality and being generally depressed. I finally concluded that I am in fact gay and stood by that. It was then I started looking at guys differently.  

I had a few pretty good-looking guys in my class and I found myself fantasizing about them. I've always been more comfortable around girls than around guys and practically everyone, except one or two, that I have ever considered friends have been girls. I've also been much more emotional and caring than other guys, even if I can have a bad temper at times.  

When I figured out I was gay I kept it to myself. I was pretty down because I wanted someone to like me for me, but I was still afraid I wouldn't be accepted. I came close to telling one of my best friends, Sara, a few times, but gave it up. We have a different school-system than in the US, so when I was 16 I had left my own school and started in 'gymnasiet,' a mix between your high-school and college. When I got there I had a pretty good time, but it was difficult for someone as shy as me to get friends. Then one day in gym-class I heard two girls talking about how they wanted a 'gay friend.' That was where I saw my opportunity. I knew they would like me for who I was, and not hate me because of my sexuality.  

So, a week or two afterwards, when we were alone and walking form class I came out to one of them. I just loved her reaction, nothing. She didn't do a fan-girl scream, she didn't look at me strangely, she just accepted it as it was, like I had told her about my new shoes. That was the start of a great friendship, I still consider her, let's call her M, my best friend. She helped me and with her support I came out to three more girls. First two girls I had just talked to a little before, A and E, and then the other girl from gym-class, L. The three of them and I became really great friends and together they make me feel comfortable in myself. Then came the problems. 

When I told A and E about my sexuality, they misunderstood me and though I had told all the girls in class. So one day they began discussing it with another girl in my class. Of course she didn't know, and suddenly we had a leak. When I found out I talked to her and asked her to keep it to herself, she agreed but I then found out that a guy from my class had overheard. He was a really great friend with yet another girl in class who I friend with everyone, and I feared she would tell everyone. Finally, M told me the entire class knew, and it felt horrible. I wanted to tell them on my own terms. Luckily, almost no one treated me differently or even told me they knew, sadly, there was R. 

R is a guy in my class who can pretty much be described with the word 'homophobe.' Once he found out about me, he started acting differently towards me. Nothing big, just avoiding me in the hallways, not being as nice to me in general, but I didn't talk to him much in the first place, so it was okay. What really bothers me is that during gym-class he refuses to acknowledge my existence. When we play team-sports he never passes to me, even if I'm the only free one in his team. Once, he ran straight into me so hard I had trouble breathing. I had to step away for the rest of class and I didn't even get an apology, despite him being told about this by half the class. I can tell you, I have never been so close to hating anyone as I have R.