April Showers Bring May Flowers

               I still remember the sound of her warm voice as she said, “I love you very much and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” She wrapped me into a warm embrace. I eagerly hugged her back, but carefully because I didn’t want to hurt her or unplug anything. She looked so fragile as she laid in the white and blue blankets on the hospital bed. I kissed her cheek and she kissed mine as I said, “I love you, too, Grandma. I’m going to be back tomorrow!” I felt such love as I left McLaren Medical Center.

                Back when I was younger, way back, I have such fond memories of the woman I called Grandmother. I considered her to be a super hero; she always was in my eyes. I remember everything that she taught me;  still to this day. She taught me how to play a dice game named Zonk. We probably played it so much that she got sick of the game.  But my most favorite memory I have with her was when the first Toy Story movie came out. I loved it so much that she got me a Buzz Lightyear action figure. One evening when we were building a castle out of dominos I said, “Grandma! I have an idea!” I ran up the stairs, grabbed my Buzz Lightyear, and ran back.

              “What are you going to do?” she asked with a laugh.

             I yelled eagerly, “BUZZ LIGHTYEAR TO THE RESCUE!” Then I proceeded to throw it into the middle of the castle built out of many dominos. They began to fall all over like rain. When it was all over, we laughed until we cried. The time I spent with her was some of the most joyful times in my life. She’s one of the greatest women I have had the privilege to know.

              Once I left the McLaren Medical Center, the love of and for my Grandmother that I felt was overwhelming. It hit my heart all at once like a ton of bricks. Once I was home, my parents left my older sister Kira and I to go to the hospital and stay the night because my Grandma was going to have an operation. Kira and I decided to push the couches in the living room together so that we wouldn’t be alone that night. We were both worried even though neither of us told the other. We could tell. I lay awake half the night worried sick about my precious Grandmother, remembering how fragile she looked earlier. The only thought that helped me fall asleep was that the operation was going to help her heart because she had a heart attack a few nights ago.

              A few hours later, I was awakened by the noise of my parents coming through the back door. I was excited yet nervous to ask my parents how the operation went. But when I opened my eyes I saw my parents' faces. They looked so sad. It felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces. They proceeded to sit on the couch next to Kira and I. I didn’t want to hear the heart shattering words they were about to say because in my gut I knew what they were going to say. “Your Grandma Bev didn’t make it through the night…. She had a massive stroke and her heart just gave out,” my mother said. 

              “The only thing keeping her heart going was a machine and she didn’t want to live a life like that. It was in the papers she had signed, so your Mother and I had it turned off. She’s in a better place now,” my father added. My sister had a look of pure surprise and shock as she proceeded to cry uncontrollably. Unlike her, I felt completely frozen. My heart felt like ice; it refused to feel anything. My face felt like all the color vanished from it completely. It was pale as snow. It was like my body was here but my heart, soul, and mind were not.

              What brought me back to the cruel reality were the embraces of my family and the warm salty tears running down my cold pale cheeks. I kept hearing “It’s okay she’s at peace now” or “She’s in a better place” or “She wouldn’t want you to be sad”.  What no one was telling me was the answer I wanted the most. My question was, “Why was she taken away from me?’’ For that they had no answer. I fell into such a deep depression that it felt like a long hibernation.

                The next thing I knew, I was in the funeral home parking lot. I didn’t want to get out of the car to see my precious Grandmother that I felt such love for laying in a casket, cold and lifeless. But my family gave me strength to push forward even though my head hung low so my eyes wouldn’t see. The sorrow hit me like a bolt of lightning. I instantly ran into the restroom and started to cry uncontrollably. My eyes became extremely red, my cheeks soaked from the tears, and my nose became stuffy. I felt more horrible than the night I found out. My sister found me. She helped me control and compose my emotions.

               When I left the restroom I saw oceans of people going into the very room that held my lifeless Grandmother to pay their respects. My first thought was, I bet hardly any of these people knew the woman I knew her to be.

                As soon as I found the strength to push forward into the room, my heart felt ten times heavier than before. I went and sat with my family to avoid contact with others I did not know. They were strangers to me. But the people kept coming to talk to my parents and all I kept hearing was “She was an amazing woman” or “She was the greatest friend”. Still thinking they knew nothing, somehow each time I heard something about the woman I knew it made me love and miss her even more.

                I made myself stand up with the strength of a lion yet I felt as weak as a fragile kitten. I walked forward to the casket, still afraid to look. But as soon as I looked up to see my lifeless Grandmother, I no longer felt the fear of seeing her. Her hair looked as soft as silk and her cheeks looked so rosy it reminded me of her bright smile. The woman I saw before me looked like a sleeping beauty. She looked like she was having a happy dream. She looked so peaceful it made my heart skip a beat. I was in shock and awe because it looked as if she were smiling.

               Just then my little cousins Cheyenne and Mateo came and stood next to me. They looked into the casket. “What’s Grandma doing, Kelseeey?” they asked. They were so young and wouldn’t understand the sad meaning of death. So just then it came to me. “She’s taking a long nap in heaven,” I said. And that’s when I felt peace and happiness in my heart that she was no longer in pain and that she was in a better place. Whenever I start to feel the deep sadness that my Grandmother is gone from my life, I instantly remind myself that she is and never was gone. She will always be in my heart so our relationship will continue to grow.