Fiolee Fanfiction: The One

Chapter 19: Lost

It was the most unbelievable moment of my life...

Ho-How could I've been so stupid?!

I knew...I knew from the beginning that Gumball could never like me...how stupid could I've possibly be?

I mean...I knew that he'd never like me but still...I've kept hoping...I've kept pushing myself for something so impossible! Why didnt I just moved on?! Why did I have to act all cool and pretend that crushing on him was not a big deal!? 

Come on...crushing on him WAS a big deal....It's a big deal of an adventurers heart, for crying out loud!

I've been so blind...all this time. 

I WAS SO STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! 

~~~~~

I got home...

I ran all the way here from the Candy Kingdom by the way...

From the moment I went inside my room, I quickly and hardly slammed my door. I kicked my table...smashed some vase or whatever that I could see...and just brought out my teenage broken heart...I know, it was out called for...breaking things...it was stupid and dramatic but still...I felt like it and I didnt even know why.

Lastly, I kicked my wall really hard then finally...I got down on my knees then cried my heart out.

Dramatic, isnt it?

"STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!" I cried to myself.

I WANT TO UNDERSTAND! SO MUCH! that Gumball's in love and the one he's in love with, isnt me. I  honestly...deeply want to understand with all my heart but....It was too soon for me...I want to face the reality that things just sometimes doesnt go the way you wanted it to be...I WANT TO FACE THIS AS SOMETHING THAT IS NOT WORTH CRYING ABOUT! but why can't I stop these tears!? 

It's so unlike me!

I heard our front door opened....Glob, it must be Cake...

I don't know if I'm either glad that she's here...so atleast there was someone to comfort me...or I'm I embarrassed for my sister to see me like this...a total mess.

"Fionna!" I heard a voice....and it didnt belong to Cake.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT MARSHALL!" I screamed. "Fionna! what happened here?!" 

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSSINESS SO GET OUT!"

"STOP SHOUTING YOU DIMWIT!" he shouted  back. "What's you problem!? I'm just worried about you!" 

"I DONT WANT ANYONE TO WORRY ABOUT ME! " 

"Are you stupid or what!? With the way your acting, of course someone would get worried!" He pointed out.

"I dont care! just get out!"

"You..." He sounds so angry.

"Just stop crying! get over it! It's not worth crying about Fi! Get out of this dramtic state and come back to the real world, geez." He said immediately as he grabbed but my hands that was covering my face.

"YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT!" I shouted back at he's face. "You think I want to be in this state? HUH? DO YOU? OKAY! I admit it! I'M STUPID! I'M STUPID, ALRIGHT!? But I'm not that stupid to not realized that this is a waste of time! A waste of tears to cry over something that you know is going to happen someday!"

After I shouted that at he's face...he just seemed shocked and speechless....It was a really awkward  moment for both of us...extremely.

"I...I just wanted him to look at me..." I said calmy. "To see me...in a diffrent way..."

"I wanted him to love me....Is that so bad?..........Now...everything's gone...it's all over....Now...how could I possibly face him? How could I return the way we used to be?....How....how could I forget him now?"

I cried really quietly...Marshall was still holding both my hands tightly...unable to speak...or unable to react on what I've just said. "How could I move on now?" I said really quietly.

After a minute of crying...silence...feeling Marshall's cold hands...

"Fionna...I wouldnt mind if you'd use me..." He said quietly as he tightened he's grip.

It caught me off guard...

"What?" I stopped crying for a moment, then gently raised my head to face him. He's face was so blank and lifeless...

"I want you to use me, Fionna. Please use me...to forget Gumball...I wouldnt mind!...Da-Date me...be with me...touch me...kiss me...laugh with me...love me."

Is he seriously serious? 

I couldnt make myself look away from him...he was too serious for me to take this not maturely. I needed to think...and look him right in the eye...

"I..."  My mouth opened. 

"I want you to forget him...and love me instead...I'll definetly make you forget him. So please...I beg you...Use me." He interrupted with a desprate voice.

Glob...he is serious?

"Wh-What are you...Why are you saying all this---How could you even thin-" 

"We both know tha answer to that, Fi." He interrupted seriously.

"Marsh...How could...why would." I was completely lost in words.

"Just give me a chance.."

"AH!"

He held me down...He was completely on top of me...he had a very strong grip on both my hands...I know that I was no match with him right now...I knew I couldnt pull him off...he was too stong...But i just kept looking at him right into he's blank and desperate eyes.

What's...what's going to happen? 

I don't know why...but....I'm so scard right now.

"Marhshall..." I said. "Love me, Fionna."

This isnt right....I know it in my guts...I definetly feel that this isnt the right thing to do...But....why is it that even through I know it's wrong...Why...why am I not holding back? Is there something wrong with me?

"Marshall we....can't." I tried to keep myself together.

I need to keep it together...kept track on my humanity...and my conscience. 

"Use me...Fionna." He tightened he's grip more. My hands were starting to feel some pain...But that disnt matter right now. 

NO! Keep it together! This is not right! This is not supppose to happen. This isnt the right thing to do...to my friend...or to myself.


But....Should I?...I mean...Is there a reason why I'm not pulling back? Is it because of he's strength?  or something else....

I was...losing. I couldnt hold back...I mean...this might be the right...right? Maybe...this is the way to forget Gumball...I mean, Marshall does love me...I think...I should just do...what I have to do...do the possible things to move on. Even if it's about Marshall...

I was losing myself....I started to close my eyes...I didnt know what to do...

"It's ganna be worth it..." He whispered.



....

Worth?....worth?....worth?....

NO!

That word hit me like a trigger, it snapped me to reality.

"No..." I whispered to myself...as I was starting to realize some random stuff about what's going to happen to this.

Worth?....Is...that what Marshall thinks to himself? nothing but a worth? to something that is needed to forget about something? Is that what Marshall view himself as? A 'Worth' ?

No...he's not something as just a 'worth'! He's something more! Marshall is definetly something more! 

He's not something to use! Marshall..is not a material object! 

MARSHALL! no, please...don't look down on yourself. Marshall...don't go to this point when you only view yourself as nothing but a 'worth'.

"Marshall...don't." A tear just slided down my face. "Don't....I don't want this...*Sniff *sniff."

A felt he's anger starting to raise...I knew it.

"WHY!? For crying out loud, Fionna! I'm I seriously not good enogh?! Do you really hate the idea of you loving me!? WHY?!"

I knew thsi would happen...I know this isnt fair...but...I guess either way...isnt really fair.

I was still crying...My eyes was close tight...I didnt want him  to see my wide eyes filling with tears...I also didnt want to look at him neither. I was scared to look at him...to see he's reaction...to see me looking like this.

"Cause...This isnt fair." I said.

"What?" He sound confussed and shocked. "NO! I can take it, Fi! Just please..." 

"No! This isnt...anyway fair for you, Marshall..." 

"I don't care, Fionna!"

"NO! you don't understand! Your not a thing Marshall! Your not something that I can simply use! Your not something to use just to 'worth' something! I love you...Marshall!"

I didnt know if that came out right...but I still hoped that he understood.

"And I refuse to treat your feelings as crap...Please...Dont go to the point that you only view yourself as something as a 'back up' plan. Your something more, okay? You don't deserve to be treated like this."

I just sounded like a complete dork...I was so embarassed.

"Fionna." He's grip just loosen abit.

"I respect your feelings Marshall! and doing this...kind of thing...isnt right. It's...It's unfair for you...It's completely unfair...so.."

I suddenly opened my eyes...and looked him right in the eyes.

"I refuse to use you!"

........


"I see..." Marshall started to back away. "I understand.."

He obviously smiled forcibly at me...Looking like....he was forcing back he's tears.

"Marshall..." I said.

"There's no helping it. Haha, being rejected so many times, funny, right?" 

He then patted my head like usual.

"I respect your desicion kid."

"Thanks anyways." he added. "Marshall.." I was starting to tear up again.

"Don't worry...I promise...I won't confess to you again...I won't remind you." He interrupted, I could seriously feel the pain in the tune in his voice. "I'll learn...to forget you." He said but I didnt really heard it. It was said too quietly.

"What do you mean?" I guessed he would repeat it again.

"Chill, your still ganna see me." He smiled. "You promise?" I asked. 

"Yep."

"I'm sorry, Marshall." I fely quilty

"Oh well."

I felt scared for some reason...he's respond didnt feel like it was enough to trust him not to leave me. It felt like...he was going to leave, and not return. I immediately grabbed he's hand tight.

"Hey." Marshall laughed.

I felt a short pain in my chest...I couldnt let go...I was scared to let go. Nervous even.

"Um, I need to go now, Fi. You need to rest." Marshall said awkwardly.

Still...I couldnt bring myself to let go...what's wrong with me? I again, felt a sharp pain in my heart, and felt like I was seriously going to lose something.

"Wait..." I struggled. 

My hand slipped through he's hand, and that next thing I know...he was gone..no where at sight...

No...

"Come back..." I started to cry again...

Again...I'm so lost.

AUTHOR'S NOTE!

WAH!! SO DRAMA! It's starting to feel really awkward for me!! Anyways...I hope you guys understood that whole 'worth' scene...like...it was soooo hard to describe the feeling in  that moment and how...I meant about the whole 'worth' thing...It's sooo hard to explain cause of my weak english...anyways...I hoped you like it :) Please comment and tell me what you think! <3 LOVE TO HEAR THEM :) Any ideas that you guys wanna happen in this story? :)) Let me know, THANKS! 

SIGNING OFF!! <3