My Cancer Story

Part 3 - The Diagnosis

I want to thank you all so much! I love every comment and featback you give me! I want to apologize for any mistakes (English is not my mother tongue). If you have any questions, just message me! 

This is a bit short, sorry, but it only contains what had happened on ONE day :) ♥

Part 3 - The Diagnosis

(Period of time: 3rd of Sept 2010)

The two hours that I've waited were so exhausting. I was only sitting there on a chair, not doing anything, but because I've only slept and eaten for the last three days, I was really tired.  

Then the door opened and the doctor came in. He held my labor results in his hand and I expected him to give them to me or my mum and say good bye. But he said: 'We'll better go to the room next door.' 

The room he was talking about was a special room only for the doctors and nurses, but it was the nearest possibility to be alone. We went inside and sat down. 

He looked at the ground and sighed.  

'We've got your labor results, but unfortunately they're not good. We've expected it to be a normal struma but that has changes over the past few weeks. It looks like it has turned into a tumor. We're going to operate you tomorrow again.'

Operate....again! 

After the last surgery I couldn't think of something worse. I started to cry. And then I realized: Tumor meant cancer. Cancer..... 

I cried even more.  

We left the room and my mum and I went outside. I still cried and my mum carefully told me not to. I yelled at her (as far as I could with my damaged voice and through the tears): 'Haven't you realized?? Don't you think that's bad? You can't deny that it is!' 

We entered the inner courtyard and my mum called my dad. When she wanted to tell him what the doctor said, she started to cry. That's the worst. To see your mum cry. I heard my dad saying: 'I'll be right there' and they hung up.  

When my dad was with us, we asked for permission so that I could spend the rest of the day at home because I couldn't stand the hospital anymore. We drove back home and I was still crying. At home my mum washed my hair, because I couldn't do that in the hospital. It hurt because I had to turn my head upside down and all the blood ran into my head and neck.  

I kind of collapsed. Not because of turning my head upside down or something, but because of the shock. I went mental. I sat on the bench on our terrace, my cat on my lap. The sun was shining and I remember telling my cat how beautiful everything at home was. Everything smelled so good, not like the germicide in the hospital, that was nearly everywhere. I lay down on our couch in the living room, still crying and murmuring how beautiful and wonderful everything was....My parents tried to calm me down but I went crazy. 

At 9pm we drove back to the hospital. I lay down in my bed, next to horrible Mrs. Elser, who I hoped I never had to see again. My parents stayed for five minutes more, but then they told me they'd be here tomorrow morning before my surgery. Like the first time. 

This night I cried myself into sleep...

All this may not sound that bad. But in my memory there's this dark 3rd of September, the day I collapsed, the day I was diagnosed with cancer. There is a 3rd of September every year. Every year I look at the calendar and see this day. And when it has arrived , I can count another year, that has gone by. You maybe think that after some years the pain would go away and you get over it. But the memory is fresh like the day it happened. It feels like I'm reliving it every year. And it hurts. So much.