The first reason I will die in a Zombie Apocalypse is because: I'm a Christian.
Think about it. The whole basis for Christianity is that Christ died for our sins and was brought back to life again after three days. Sounds Zombie-ish to me.
Also, another corner-stone of the Christian religion is to be charitable. So when we see a man shuffling along the street moaning are we going to be smart and drive away paranoid?
Nope. We Christians will stop our cars, practically run to them in our haste to do a good deed and WHAM! We're suddenly stuck in Undead Limbo for trying to be a good Samaritan.
Reason Number 2: I’m a Nerd
You see there are some people who think that in a Zombie Apocalypse a nerd would be safe. In some ways you’d be right:
* We’re shut ins
* We watch Zombie flicks like Zombieland* and Shaun of the Dead*
* Most of our interactions are on-line based
But, in reality, these are all big no no’s. First off, if you’re considered a “shut in” nerd you probably also live by the cliché of living in your Mommy’s basement. Two big problems with this?
Only one exit.
If Mommy becomes a Zombie, who will feed you?
Also, watching Zombie based movies doesn’t make you an expert. If we have learned anything from watching movies its that they lie. If its in a movie it’s probably not going to happen like that in real life. How many light sabers have we attempted? How many slow-motion ninja fights? If we know anything, it’s that visual technology may have come a long way in development, but not so much our endurance muscles.
And finally, our limited human interaction? Because I don’t hang out with “non-nerds” very often, I probably wouldn’t think much about someone slamming themselves into my basement window trying to eat me. I would simply think it was one of my friends showing off their Halloween costumes early.
Reason 3: I’m a girl.
Not to sound sexiest or anything, but it’s true. For four basic reasons:
1. I can’t change a tire.
2. I can’t change my own oil.
3. I can’t swing a bat very hard.
4. I cannot aim a gun.
Reason Number 4: I’m not a pretty person.
Again, use your imagination here. A beautiful person would take one look at a zombie and run away. Us ugly people? We’d see the beautiful people running away and be too distracted by our fear of it being US they’re running from to think “Oh my gosh, what’s behind me?” Plus, in all Hollywood Zombie films the surviving girls are always pretty: who wants to repopulate the world with someone hideous?
Reason 5 I would die in a Zombie Apocalypse?
I like Pizza.
I hate tread-mills.
I might have given them a chance if they were called tread-MEALS, but, they aren’t.
Reason 6: I get sick a lot.
I catch everything (except in sports), from the common cold to strep throat within minutes. It probably wouldn’t take long for a rabies virus to make its way through my system. I’d probably just pass it off as a sugar rush.
Reason Number 7: I don’t know anyone in the Military.
No secret helicopter ride to a secure location for me. No flashing a special badge or name-dropping high officials at check points. It’s all about who you know in this world, especially when it comes to the end of it. And I know absolutely no one.