The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

He who laughs last didn't get it.

There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side.

The road to success is always under construction.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.