Ante Mortem

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I’m somewhere between purgatory and hell
and no one’s reviewing my case
such miracle pills they gave me
a cure for disgrace
it’s not fooling me
they didn’t save me
gone
I’m gone
fighting back is futile
they make me stay the same
I’m happy over nothing
I’m laughing at everything
distractions eventually go to sleep
and lead their own lives
but I’m still here playing a gameof alive
I don’t think anyone can handle
being this babysitter of mine
I’m far too much too handle
people run out of time
oh
people go crazier for much more miniscule a thing
I have reasons
you gave me plausible cause
I am a test subject
I am a fraud
I am the poet you’ll never hear of
because death comes more swiftly
than anybody’s objections
these thoughts aren’t silenced
simply because no one can hear them
I’m not only suffering in the therapy hour you give me
or whenever someone’s there to see it
at home
in the car
the anxious girl seen from afar
it’s every second i breathe
and every second i think to stop
I must tell you doctor
I’m not myself
you broke free this monster
no thanks for you help

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