Hey guys as you know i love uploading jokes but these are dedicated to a good person and a legendary author whose work has inspired me, there going through a difficult time right now and i know it seems that life completely sucks at the moment i cant make it better but i hopefully i can make you smile, even if you dont feel like laughing some times a little laughter is the best medicen it just reminds that theres some light behind the grey, i hope things get better soon :) x

What do you get if you cross a penis with a potato

a dictator

A man and a woman were driving up to a sharp turn. The woman rolls down her window and yells, "Pig!" at the top of her lungs.
So the man, who was mad, rolled down his window and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Bitch!" But was rudely interrupted by a huge, pink, squeeling animal in his lane around the corner. The man crashed into it and died a bloody death. Poor guy. Can't take a hint

a man walked in and said to the bartender, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."
So the bartender handed him a drink.
"Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
So the bartender handed him a drink.
"Give me another drink before the trouble starts."
"When is the the trouble going to start?" The bartender asked.
"When you find out I haven't got any money

a sailor walked into the bar and sees a pirate who was quite worse for ware with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor inquiered, "How did you get the peg leg?"
The pirate said, "I was in a mighty feirce storm when I'll be dernd if a shark didn't bit off me leg!"
"How did you get the hook?" asked the curious sailor.
"I was fightin' an enemy ship when one of them just goes ahead and chops off me hand!"
"Really, and the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"You lost an eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, It was the first day I had me hook

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled


A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over