Blackness

The unhappy man: "What can I do?"
The happy one: "Just pass by, and forgive us our happiness."
Feodor Dostoevski (The idiot)

It was the warmest day of this early spring. The sun was shining warming everything and everyone up. Its rays were falling like gentle air showers on my skin. It felt nice. A shy breeze was blowing between the trees in the park making the leaves tremble and whisper secrets that none of us will ever understand. The smell of fresh grass rising from the wet ground was filling my lungs. There were other smells, like the smell of fresh painted benches. I didn't stop near them. I just walked forward. My hand hit a bench in the exact spotlight of the sunshine, but I thought it was perfect not because of that, but because I was tired of searching a better place... I was so tired these days....
I sat down and closed wide my eyes, looking in nowhere. I could hear perfectly the divine music of the water in the lake in front of me. Did you notice that the air is different close to water? It's more breathable...
So the day was extremely beautiful. Everyone passing near me were exclaiming about the beauty of this sun and wind idyll. A young woman exclaimed, "It's heavenly beautiful!"
Perhaps she was right. Their voices were all full of new emotions and joy, unreasoned joy... everyone was celebrating the reappearing of the sun after a full week of shadowy rain and of clouds hiding the brightness of the sun disk, which is perfect, as they say.
Then why was I desperately missing the rainy times, and couldn't enjoy this extremely beloved by everyone day?
I had a feeling that someone was staring at me, but I ignored it; what could I do with that?
I knew that my negative reactions to everyone's exclamations about the splendor of this spring shiny day were printed on my face. I couldn't fight them anymore and push inside to hide them behind a smiling mask.
"Excuse me, young man!" a woman addressed me, her voice sharp with accusation. She was probably upset with my lack of enthusiasm.
"Yes, ma'am?" I said stroking my short beard. I haven't shaved for almost a week and it was obvious on my face.
"You know you're ruining the entire view of this wonderful day with your grim look?"
That was rude. I laughed a short grim laugh.
"I guess so." I assumed, smiling a forced smile.
"I'm sorry but I cannot enjoy this colorful day completely with you sitting on the bench next to mine and influencing my energy!"
"Well, go to another place." I said lowly. I didn't like the fact that I took pleasure in her annoyance with me. It was a wrong feeling.
"Humph!" the woman said and I heard her hurrying footsteps with my eyes closed.
Colorful day, color, light, beauty, heaven on earth... that was not for me.
I could have thought that I did have other things as wind, fresh air, the smell of the lake, the coolness of the ground, but I couldn't get enough consolation in that.
Ah, I missed autumn. And winter, winter was supposed to be only white and black. I knew how blackness looked, so I felt less deprived in winter.
I groaned. Not knowing that someone was watching me, though usually I can feel this stuff.
"Ahem." A strong male voice coughed intentionally to get my attention. "Honey, don't..." a woman's whisper told the man.
"Ahem," he coughed again, ignoring her.
"Is there a problem?" I asked. They were all annoying me.
"Would you mind answering me a question, sir?" the man asked. He sounded like a man in his forties or fifties.
"Go on." I waved with my hand in his general direction.
"I'm a psychologist and I am writing a paper right now about..."
"I don't care, get to the subject please!" I interrupted him. I didn't care.
"Can you explain why aren't you enjoying this day? It's too beautiful and colorful not to enjoy it. Even if something has gone badly in your family or in you life..."
What did he know about me... Fool.
However, lucky fool.
"Assuming there is something going wrong." I said.
"You should let it go... and just let this wonderful day wash your bitterness away."
F*cking poet, talking with metaphors, haha.
"What will you say if I'll tell you that this wonderful day of yours and this infinite happiness and joy of yours, cannot wash away my bitterness, but only adds at its volume and deepness?"
"I can't believe it! You're an impossible self pitying egoist! That lady, she had to leave because your sour expression risked to ruin her good mood. And apparently that's exactly what we're going to do too!"