This guy gets a raise, so he decides to but a new sight for his gun.
Well, anyway, the salesman at the store is throwing his pitch, and he
brags, "If you'll look through this sight, I'll bet that you can see my
house in perfect detail, even though it's the whole way at the top of the
hill."

So the guy looks through the sight, and says, "Yep, you're right... wait
a minute... I can see some lady and a guy running around with no clothes
on, too..."

Shocked, the salesman snatches the sight back, and looks through it.
Sure enough, he sees the same thing. Infuriated, the salesman hands the
guy a gun and two bullets, and says, "If you'll blow my cheatin' wife's
head off, and that guy's dick off, you can have the sight for free."

The guy looks throught the sight again. "You know, I think I can do that
with only 1 bullet..."

---------------------------------------

God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences
once and for all.

Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, "Where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"

--------------------------

From: tegrara@prism.gatech.edu (ramasamy alagirussmy)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Phases of education
Date: 5 Apr 90 10:30:08 GMT


The dean of Engineering had once walked into a class, and said
"Good Morning." The whole class chorused "Good Morning".

"Hi, you are freshmen aren't you?" he asked.

One student bolder than the others asked him how he knew.

"Well," he said. "When I say 'Good Morning' to a class, if they are
freshmen they say 'Good Morning' too. If they are sophomores, they
quietly fold their papers away, and look at me. A class of Juniors
will look at me over the top of their papers, and then get back to
them. A class of Seniors will ignore my greeting, and keep reading
the papers. When I say 'Good Morning' to a class of graduate students,
they write it down.

{ed There are lots of quote collections out there. I prefer not to do 'em,
because they are so big and varied, but I had this one lying around...}

=========================================================================

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean Foster "To the
Vanishing Point"

=========================================================================

The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe:

All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
I should have been more specific.

=========================================================================
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward" -Bill Davidsen

=========================================================================

"The world is filled with fools. They blindly follow their so-called
'reason' in the face of the church and common sense. Any fool can see
that the world is flat!" - anon

=========================================================================
"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."

Alan Holbrook

=========================================================================


"I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...."

=========================================================================

Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!"

The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..."

=========================================================================
A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish
as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down. This may sting just a
little bit."

Then of course, there's the way Keillor used to close his broadcast stories:
"That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the men are smart, the women
are good looking, and all the children are above average."

Keillor has a sort of low-key, "Huh? Whuzzat?" humor that I'm very fond of.

I have a Steven King line I'm fond of too. It's from _The_Dead_Zone, and it's
not funny at all, but I find it to be true. Johnny Smith is talking to the
wealthy father of the boy he's been hired to tutor. The father says something