Another Stupid Wattpad Rant

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I was extremely bored.

And who doesn't love a good rant?

It's been a while since I was last on Wattpad -- both a lot and a little has changed. There are awesome new volunteer group dedicated to promoting quality writing, such as WattpadNinjas, TheWattpadTimes, and many more I'm sure you can find if you look. To all of them out there I give a great "thank you." There also seems to be a slight increase in the amount of people who have learned to right click bright underlined words in Microsoft Word. However, I still eschew the front page, and seeing stories -- while title length seems to have shortened and can actually be comphrehended -- with irritating content in them. The "What's Hot" page seems still to be dominated by a coterie of people whom write stories about vapid males and females engaging in the ever-so-fascinating process known as sexual intercourse. While Wattpad is a community where people can write about what they "want," and while many of those stories contain things such as humor, there are eleven-year-olds on this site reading and writing such things.

So, without further ado, shall I begin this diatriabe?

I. Offensive Generalizations

- This is usually directed at anyone of the male sex. Men in many stories are portrayed as insipid life forms  whom have no idea how to prosecute others when it comes to: vandalism , battery and assault, robbery, or just plain hassment. They are apportioned to certain archtypes with predefined personality traits, but one big similiarity that ties them all together and essentially clones their DNA: unbelievable, supermodel, good looks. Nothing else matters. They can be badasses with violent, broken, tortured, pasts; unrealistically young CEOs, rich Victorian vampires, mobsters, criminals (usually rapists and thieves), or bizarre teenage boys, but they're all gorgeous and somehow all fall for random-ass girls.  And change their ways because of them. Oh, and they're shirtless a good deal of the time. 

- So. If it's socially acceptable to do that to men, ladies, how about we reverse that extreme sexualization? Awesome Abused Shy Total Loser  Boy Who Is Actually Gorgeous Reallycoolnameguy goes to school, and then the "it girl", Miss Universe, who wears almost no clothes and always has sexy lingerie in her Prada bag, and then AASTLBWIAGR goes up to her and tells her that Pluto is no longer a planet, and then she goes to sleep with him, and is nicer to everybody because she fell in love with him! Then, AASTLBWIAGR and Miss Universe go to her AWESOME Miami pad and then Miss Universe's dad who owns: Google, Apple, Victoria's Secret, X-Box (actually, X-box is owned by Microsoft, but NOBODY knows that), and every oil, gas, and banking company in world instantly loves him too! AASTLBWIAGR gets a new Maserati, Mercedes, Audi, Bentley, Lamborghini, and Ashton Marin because he SO deserves it for all that he's been through in life and making Miss Universe fall for him. All is good for two pseudo-paragraphs. Then Miss Universe's vapid ex comes back! Everyone says he is AMAZING, even though he actually looks like he was transplanted from the Jersey Shore! And then every single supermodel/vampire, hot CIA agent/princess falls for AASTLBWIAGR! Who is just SO in pain because he can't figure anyting out! Miss Universe scolds AASTLBWIAGR for sleeping with every one of them, but that was just SO not called for! He punches her throws ten tons of C4s on her gorgeous house, and then she starts crying in the rain and they make up! The end! 

- Brilliant plot, right, guys?

-Rich girls, nerds, "emos", shy people. Rich people can be nice and indifferent when people make fun of them. Ever seen The Social Network? I've know girls who have parents with good jobs and live in nice homes; they're just equally as kind and smart as everyone else, as well as respectful. Nerds can be pretty damn mean; some can be pretty gorgeous too. "Emos" don't necessarily cut themselves as much as they enjoy a certain aesthetic. Shy people aren't necessarily the nicest, kindest people you've ever met. Nor are they all abused, "misunderstood",  serial killers. 

II. Complete Lack of Logic and Basic Rationale 

- Look. If some random rich guy is smart enough to rule a whole school like Muammar Guddafi and make-or-break faculty, staff and admin, he's pretty damn smart enough to make sure you're miserable if you try anything funny. Adults are smarter than some teenage girls may think. 

-You know those teenage assassins/criminals who are sexy, "emotionless", and have a gun underneath their miniskirts? Look, in real life, scratch any criminal: they're not good-looking. There was book published by a well-respected author called "Popular Crime", about how famous serial kilers  -- most of them are male and pretty ugly. 

-Okay, let's say some shy little girl was kidnapped by an evil black ops organization (who TOTALLY thinks that picking teenage girls is better than selecting from seasoned officers/soldiers [Air Force, Marine Core, ect.] that wouldn't require a budget squeeze to train) and then trained to be a killer. Anyone ever read American Psycho? It's pretty scarring. And puts the emphasis on what a REAL serial killer thinks like. They do NOT give a damn how pulchritudinous their target is, and neither do they tear up because someone "breaks their heart."

-Speaking of teenagers with guns. You've got to be FIT to successfully maneuver an assault rifle in exigent situations. Revolvers and pistols are NOT featherweight sexy acessories. There's actually stuff you've gotta do before you pull the trigger! 

-Mafia -- Russian, Italian, ect. It's not Prohibition, guys. They're nowhere near as powerful as they used to be. Yeah, there's international crime syndicates and drug lords, but it is NOT glamorous or sexy. In fact, I'd love to see someone write something with a Mexican drug cartel involved. The oen that shoots reporters. But the Godfather-type stuff is basically a gentlemen's club nowadays; don't believe me, just read WIRED. 

-Why is a good deal of the historical fiction I read about princesses, balls, and quasi-"wars"? Anyway, back in medieval times, in most civilizations, women had next to no rights. Yeah, there are strong, smart, women. But they don't go around waving daggers and cussing at princes -- because, usually, if that happened, they'd be executed, often by their own families. Women could fight, but the real-life Mulan was actually quite ugly. How'd you think she passed off as a man? Lady Murasaki and Jane Austen were amazingly intelligent, but they didn't need to parade around arrogantly to establish that. 

-Racial Diversity. Hey: East and South Asians, Africans, Mexicans, Middle-Easterners, Micronesians, and many more ethnic groups exist. Just thought I should mention that. 

III. Vote Phishing

-It's not allowed. 

IV. Good Writers.

They include -- but are certainly not limited to -- everyone I've fanned! 

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Anyway, thanks for reading this.  Comments are cool.

Hate? Bring it. Inferno is fun. 

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⏰ Last updated: Jul 02, 2011 ⏰

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