A.N.O.R.E.X.I.A [BxB]

Four.

 Dear Toby,

                Have you ever had the feeling that you were invisible? From the moment I woke up this morning I felt like I wasn’t really there. My dad had left for work hours previously and therefore could not acknowledge my presence. My mum was running around the house doing things that had to be done before she went to work. My sister was still in bed as she hadn’t needed to go into college for a couple of hours. The house might as well have been empty apart from me.

 Nobody sat next to me on the bus today. I didn’t have a book to read because I had finished Hide and I thought I might read a different book before I reread it. But I didn’t have a new book just yet. So I listened to music. But the songs were all melancholy and I didn’t feel like I was really there. So I turned off my IPod and looked out of the window.

 Today the sky was overcast in that exciting, stormy way, and there was a humidity to the air. I liked stormy weather days because they mean you stay inside. Or there are less people when you go out.

 Most of my fellow students were reflecting the moodiness of the weather. I say my fellow students, I mean ours. And I exempt you from that statement because you were one of the first people I saw in the corridors, and you were smiling. You have a very nice smile, if you don’t mind me saying so. Seeing it made me feel a little more there.

 I learned something about you in Physics class today. I overheard a girl saying that you live on the side of town past the bridge, where the houses are bigger and have nice lawns and the neighbours greet each other in the morning. I smiled when I heard this because I had pictured you living in a place like that. I think it would highlight you even more in your surroundings. I hope that’s okay.

 In R.E class today we debated capital punishment. The topic made me feel a little uneasy when I realised how many people were for it. They said things about how prisons cost the tax payer and how reformation doesn’t always work.

 Just to be clear, I am against capital punishment, but not simply because I think that the killing of criminals is wrong. I just think that it would be a lot harder for someone to stay alive in the knowledge of what they have done. And some people may argue that some people don’t realise what they did was so awful. But I think we should use their time in prison to make them.

 “I think that we should all be against capital punishment, and all be against animal testing, and do the testing on criminals instead.”

 The idea was put forward by a petite blonde girl. I’ve seen you speak to her sometimes. I sort of liked her theory. But there was no more time to discuss. So I finished the discussion in my head as I walked to my next class. Only in the discussion in my head I spoke and offered facts, my thoughts, and opinions. That doesn’t happen in class in real life.

 At lunch I sat and watched people. I ate half of my food, as always. And I watched everyone. But I made sure that I didn’t stare. I have a tendency to stare at people. And then people ask me what my problem his. And then I start to feel strange because I can’t respond because I don’t know what my problem is. That’s when I start to breathe either really shallowly or really deeply and my hands start to move and shake and I just can’t keep them still.

 I think I looked at you most frequently this lunch. You were sat with your friends- as usual- and you were making them laugh- as usual- but you seemed distracted. And the blonde girl from my R.E class walked up to your table and you talked for a long time. If you weren’t gay, I’d say that you should date her. You just look like you would suit each other.

 I think I should clear something up. I believe that I am the only person who knows that you are gay. I mean, you’ve been out with some girls, I think, so maybe you’re bisexual, or even pansexual. Or maybe you’re just hiding. And if that’s so then I think someone should tell you that you don’t have to hide. It’s okay to be who you are. In fact, you should be proud of it. That’s what I get told, anyway.

 Incidentally, I found it strange that you used your normal voice in English class today when you were asked to read. You were quiet and didn’t stand up and seemed aware.

                Love,
                Jack.