Roll To Me (A Bam Margera Love Story.)

Batteling With Myself.

Picture on the side is of Lydia, who is played by Tay Jardine from the band We Are The In Crowd.

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Like a figment of my imagination, you continue to seem unreal to the likes of my craving eyes, that search only for what they usually can not find.

I criticize others so easily, making myself come off as funny, and playful to the audience around me, that I hide behind a mask, to entertain. My black, and crimson façade, hiding my true colors, which in the end turn out to be, not colors, but shades, black and white. I play myself off as a victim of circumstance, and a pawn in the plans of those around me, when I myself play that game. I am a hypocrite. I belittle those of who have played me to their advantage, but use any opportunity to my advantage, no matter whether it hurts those around me, or even myself in the long run. I should see life in a big picture, but I don't. I watch life go by, doing what ever I can to benefit myself in the present, never taking into consideration where these decisions may take me. I am a victim of my own demise, leaving me with no one to blame, but myself. I am a fraud.

When you begin to grow older, and you find yourself wondering what kind of person I was, just stop yourself there. Don't give me a second thought. I was never here. I didn't exist. If it helps, tell yourself that I didn't love you. I didn't want you. You are not mine.

A tear falls from my eye, onto the already tear stained paper. I run my index finger over the signature at the bottom, as if it will somehow bring me closer to my mother. Mrs. Benson was my foster mother. She was an elderly, widowed woman who was never able to have children. When I was 9 she adopted me from the St. Luther's foster care facility. I had been from home to home before finally ending up in that facilty when I was 8. At the age of 6 my mother commited suicide. My father worked as a contractor, and was out of town on buisness at the time. I remember the night that it happened I was in my room crying, because I wouldn't listen to my mom, and I always disobeyed her, so she spanked me, and sent me to my room. I still remember the last thing she said to me. It echos through my head at the worst of times. "Do you think I like to do this to you?" she yelled at me, as I screamed at her repitiously. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" My small, shaking voice yelled out of anger, but not out of truth. She walked out of my room, slamming the door, making the window paneling shake. I crawled into my closet, and went into my box fort. Once inside, I pulled my flaps down over me, and curled into a ball. "I wish I had a mommy who really cared about me. She doesn't care. She doesn't love me." I muttered through my tears, until sleep came to me.

Several our later there is a large bang from down stairs. Curiously, I crept down the stairs, to see several strange men running in, and out of the house. The sirens of the cars, and trucks could be heard throughout the whole neighborhood. I snuck through the house, undetected, and through the kitchen to her bedroom, where the large men in blue, and black crowded around her lifeless, crimson coated body. I ran to her, pushing the lower half of anyone in my way, to the side. I wrapped my arms around my mothers neck, holding on for dear life. "Mommy! I'm sorry! I'll behave! I'll go to bed when you tell me, and I'll eat all of my food, and I-i I'll clean up after myself. I will, I promise! I'll be better! Just please wake up, mommy! please! please!" I screamed out through sobs. I was pulled away by an officer, and out of the doors, never to see my mothers face again. 2 years ago mrs. benson passed away in her sleep, of old age, and I was sad, but she lived a long wonderful life.

I was so caught up in my tears, that I didn't even realise that Ryan came in. He crawled up on his bed next to me, and pulled me into his lap, and just hugged me. He didn't say anything, and I'm glad he didn't. I wouldn't want to say something to him, that I would regret. Ryan picked up the piece of paper, and read it. I'm sure he didn't completely understand, but he got the jist of why I'm upset. Once, I'd calmed down he kissed the top of my head, and placed me back on the bed. "Hey, LiLi, we're leaving in 30 minutes, so when you ready just come out, and we'll leave." He spoke quietly, from the door frame, before walking out, and shutting the door behind him. I sat just staring at the closed door, before getting up, and getting ready for my first day on the job. I told Ryan last night that I'd do it, and I'm starting immeadiatly, but hopefully Bam doesn't fuck with me.