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Some of the best jokes you will ever read

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hey guys just a random collection of jokes i found and had to post warning its not for the faint hearted!

 

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep. 

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

 

An elderly couple were driving across the country. 

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. 

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" 

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" 

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" 

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" 

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

 

a cop is on patrol, and he sees a guy peeing into the fountain. walking up to the man he asks him to zip up his pants.

So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"

 

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people

 

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?  

A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

 

It's Dark In Here 

A married woman is having an affair. 

Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" 

"Yes it is," the man replies." 

You wanna buy a baseball?" 

the little boy asks." 

No thanks," the man replies." 

I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues." 

OK. 

How much?" 

the man replies after considering the position he was in." 

Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies." 

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" 

the man repeats. 

"That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy." 

It's dark in here, isn't it?" 

the boy starts off." 

Yes it is," replies the man." 

Wanna buy a baseball glove?" 

the little boy asks." 

OK. 

How much?" 

the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage." 

Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. 

Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

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