Atonement

{One} Responsibility

“The day you slipped away, was the day I found it won’t be the same.”

-Slipped Away, Avril Lavigne

  My knees finally gave out and buckled beneath me, crashing against the ground. But I didn’t feel a thing. I couldn’t. All I could think about was Cap, and how I’d killed him. What did it matter that I hadn’t pulled the trigger? I might as well have! If we had never gone back in time—hell, if I’d have just left when Russ wanted to—this never would have happened. Cap would still be alive. Tolbert would have died when he should have.

  Russ put his hand on my shoulder firmly. “There was nothing you could’ve done.”

  “I could have stayed out of it!” I cried. Looking up at my brother, my time-traveling brother, I said, “Russ, we hafta go back. I have to make this right.”

  Russ, shaking his head, took a few steps back. “We can’t, Jose. We’ve already done enough damage. ‘Sides, I’m not very good at going back to specific dates. We might end up years after he dies or years before he’s even born! No. I won’t do it. My days of jumping back are over. I am officially retired.”

  Three months. I had three months until I turned eighteen; and even then I might not have the gift Russ possessed. I couldn’t wait that long. Logically, I knew what had happened already happened and that I could wait five years if I wanted to. But I just couldn’t wait. It was my fault and I needed to fix it. It was my responsibility. If I waited even a week…..The very thought made my gut clench with such guilt that I thought I might puke. How could I live like that for three months? I had to change his mind.

  “No,” I snapped, standing up finally. “No, I don’t accept that. You can do whatever you want—waste the gift you’ve been given that people dream their whole lives for. I don’t care. But right now, right now, Russ, you are going to take me back.”

  He looked like he might argue. Hands crossed tightly over his chest, Russ gave me the stern look I’d grown up my whole life knowing. Obviously, he was in the mood to be stubborn. He should really know by now that I could stand my ground a lot longer than he could—years, in fact.

  “I can’t,” he muttered a little helplessly. “Give it time. I’ll figure this thing out and then maybe we can—”

  “Oh, so I can have time to get over him?” I interrupted harshly. “That’s what you’re hoping for, isn’t it? You know me. When have I ever liked a guy so much in so short a time? Hmm? Oh, that’s right—never! So why would I get over him? I’m not.”

  Russ was full out glaring at me, his hazel eyes oozing disapproval.

  Let’s put this into perspective. Who was it that wanted to leave Election Day? Russ. When did we actually leave? A day after that; after I’d argued to stay and save the three McCoy boys who’d murdered Ellison Hatfield, Devil Anse’s brother, in cold blood. Granted, I wanted to kill Tolbert McCoy myself at this moment, but they’d lived, hadn’t they?

  I won that argument.

  What made Russ think he could win this one—when it was about someone I actually cared about?

  “You two!” a voice scolded, interrupting our glaring contest.

  We both whipped around, not really all that surprised to see Mom standing before us, Zach beside her. Zach looked tired and whiny—no doubt he was starving and bored of being here for so long. Mom, on the other hand, looked like she might wring our necks. If I hadn’t dyed my hair, it would be the same rich chocolate as my mother’s. It was long and glossy, putting my choppy shoulder length hair to shame. She was beautiful, my mother; even in her anger.