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Red Ridinghood

 

Most worthy of praise were the virtuous ways

Of Little Red Riding Hood's ma,

And no one was ever more cautious and clever

Than Little Red Riding Hood's pa.

They never misled, for they meant what they said,

And frequently said what they meant:

They were careful to show her the way she should go,

And the way that they showed her, she went.

For obedience she was effusively thanked,

And for anything else she was carefully spanked.

 

It thus isn't strange that Red Riding Hood's range

Of virtues so steadily grew,

That soon she won prizes of different sizes,

And golden encomiums, too.

As a general rule she was head of her school,

And at six was so notably smart

That they gave her a check for reciting The Wreck

Of the Hesperus wholly by heart.

And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,

When I add that the money she gave to the poor.

 

At eleven this lass had a Sunday-school class,

At twelve wrote a volume of verse,

At fourteen was yearning for glory, and learning

To be a professional nurse.

To a glorious height the young paragon might

Have climbed, if not nipped in the bud,

But the following year struck her smiling career

With a dull and a sickening thud!

I have shad a great tear at the thought of her pain,

And must copy my manuscript over again!

 

Not dreaming of harm, one day on her arm

A basket she hung. It was filled

With drinks made of spices, and jellies, and ices,

And chicken-wings, carefully grilled,

And a savory stew, and a novel or two

She persuaded a neighbor to loan,

And a Japanese fan, and a hot water-can.

And a bottle of eau de cologne,

And the rest of the things that your family fill

Your room with whenever you chance to be ill.

 

She expected to find her decrepit but kind

Old grandmother waiting her call,

Exceedingly ill. Oh, that face on the pillow

Did not look familiar at all!

With a whitening cheek she started to speak,

But her peril she instantly saw:

Her grandma had fled and she'd tackled instead

Four merciless paws and a maw!

When the neighbors came running the wolf to subdue

He was licking his chops—and Red Riding Hood's, too!

 

At this horrible tale some readers will pale,

And others with horror grow dumb,

And yet it was better, I fear, he should get her:—

Just think what she might have become!

For an infant so keen might in future have been

A woman of awful renown,

Who carried on fights for her feminine rights,

As the Mare of an Arkansas town,

Or she might have continued the sin of her 'teens

And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!

 

Red Riding-Hood

 

Sweet little myth of the nursery story--

Earliest love of mine infantile breast,

Be something tangible, bloom in thy glory

Into existence, as thou art addressed!

Hasten! appear to me, guileless and good--

Thou are so dear to me, Red Riding-Hood!

 

Azure-blue eyes, in a marvel of wonder,

Over the dawn of a blush breaking out;

Sensitive nose, with a little smile under

Trying to hide in a blossoming pout--

Couldn't be serious, try as you would,

Little mysterious Red Riding-Hood!

 

Hah! little girl, it is desolate, lonely,

Out in this gloomy old forest of Life!--

Here are not pansies and buttercups only--

Brambles and briers as keen as a knife;

And a Heart, ravenous, trails in the wood

For the meal have he must,--Red Riding-Hood!

 

Red Riding Hood Had an Affair with the Wolf

 

It isn’t hard to image

What exactly she’s doing there

A dingy motel with a

Flashing ‘vacancy’ sign

 

After all,

Some women will say

he looks good in

leather chaps

doesn’t he?

 

But she’s a nice girl

And a good wife

Mother of two

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Little Red Riding Hood

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