I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.