A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I can only compensate so much for other people's stupidity.

If plugging it in doesn't help, then try turning it on.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be misquoted and then used against you.

Drive defensively, buy a tank!

Thank you for calling tech support, you're ignorance is my job security.

Always remember... you're unique just like everyone else.

Excuse me, but do I look like someone who cares ?

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed enough already.

I don't have a license to kill, I have a learners permit.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

FAILURE is not an option, it comes all bundled up with the software.

FOR SALE: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I would put something CLEVER here... but you just wouldn't get it!

Those who think they know everything annoy those of us that actually do.

Warning! This shirt has sharp edges.

Silence is golden, but DUCTAPE is shiny.

Try to not let your mind wander, it's much too small to be out on it's own.

It's kind'a hard to show that I care, b e c a u s e I d o n ' t.

To my best recollection, I can't remember.

7 out of 3 people are math illiterate.

I'm going off to go find myself. If I'm not back by the time I return, keep me here.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving just isn't for you.

If I gave a cr*p, you would be the first person I'd give it to.

I know all the answers, but I've been sworn to secrecy.

Let's hope there's intelligent life in outer space. I'm so lonely here.

There are only 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't


I'm the person your mother warned you about.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

No sense in being pessimistic It wouldn't work anyway.

We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

Never kick a man unless he's down.

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

How can I love you if you won't lie down ?

I wear the brains in the family.

There's no future in time travel.

Put on your seat belt... I wanna try something.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon.

I'm not unemployed, I'm a consultant

I'm sorry My fault I forgot you were an idiot.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

All men are idiots And I married their king.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?

Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I'm sorry My fault I forgot you were an idiot.

Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

All men are idiots And I married their king.

In America Anyone Can Be President That's One of the Risks You Take.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

No sense in being pessimistic It wouldn't work anyway!

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

I wear the brains in the family.

BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS-But it uses up a thousand times the memory.

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

Whatever the questions is, Liquor Is The Answer

Your Boyfriend Thinks I'm Hot.

Weapons Of Mass Distraction.

This is my drinking shirt.

I can resist everything except temptation.