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For the First Time | n.h.

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...I guess I’ve finally reached the end of this letter. I think I’ve been sitting here in our living room for about two hours now, just writing. This is probably extremely long, but I do hope you made it to the end to read this part. As I’ve explained about a thousand times now, the purpose of this letter is to remind you of us. I think I reminded myself in the process too. Now I know exactly why I loved you so much. I never really forgot, but now it’s like I understand again. You were my best friend Niall, no one else compares. You were the only person I could tell absolutely everything to.

                I don’t know how to end this, to be honest. Every time I get close to finishing, I feel like I haven’t said enough. That’s kind of ridiculous considering I’ve filled pages and pages with my messy writing that, by the way, I hope you can actually read. There’s just so much to say. I owe you this letter. I owe you a good explanation and I really hope that’s exactly what this has turned out to be. I just have this terrible feeling that once I stop writing, everything will be final, and that scares me to death. I don’t know how to live without you, but I guess I’ll have to learn. Living with you has become impossible darling, as much as I wish it wasn’t.

                Anyway, I guess I should wrap it up...I’ll tell you again that you were my first in life. You were my first real friend, my first kiss (as embarrassing as that was), and, amongst a thousand other things, you were the first person I fell in love with. I never thought we’d end up here, but things never really turn out the way we expect them to, do they?

                I still love you Niall but, despite that, this letter feels extremely final. I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to forgive you, nor am I sure when you’ll truly be ready to apologize. You tried tonight, but saying it and meaning it are two entirely different things. This being said, it could be a long time before that moment comes. It could be years for all I know. Maybe we’ll be sixty years old and bump into each other on the street. Perhaps we’ll just be able to look at each other and know that everything is alright. I really don’t know, but for now this part of our lives is over. You can be who you want to be without me weighing you down, and I can hopefully learn to be something on my own.

                I’m so sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you, but you must understand now. I love you Niall ok?

                —Megan

I stared at the small stack of paper sitting on my lap. There was maybe four pieces there; all covered front and back with messy, tear-stained words. I wondered if that was really enough. A couple words on a page suddenly seemed meager and pathetic. With a sigh I realized that it was the best I could do.

                My eyes scanned the apartment that used to feel like home. It was an empty place now; full of what could have been and hollow promises. Honestly, I would be glad to leave. I hated it here alone, and there was really no other option at that point. I needed to go...and I needed to go as soon as possible.

                I climbed off of the sofa and stacked the long letter into a neat pile before setting it on the coffee table. My eyes lingered on the wrinkled explanation, my fingers absentmindedly fiddling with the thing around my neck. The thing around my neck. I examined the small heart-pendant between my fingertips, nearly smiling when I remembered the day Niall gave it to me. I had rarely taken it off over the years, even when I was out-of-my-mind angry with him. It reminded me only of good things; it made me smile.

                With a deep breath, I unclasped the familiar chain and gathered the necklace in my palm. A pang went through my chest as I placed it on top of the letter. It seemed fitting to leave it there, along with the rest of our past. It was like a collection of memories long forgotten.

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