The REAL Red Riding Hood

             CAUTION: Story may contain comical and dumb usage of writing revolving around invalid scientific facts, and should therefore be kept out of reach of small children and smart people.

“…..so that’s how the molecules of the brain currents are pulled together!” Red Riding Hood pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and bobbed her head in short little motions.

“Really, it’s fascinating,” she babbled on excitedly, “the way all the atoms in the center of-“ 

“Uh, very nice!” interrupted Red’s grandmother. Red looked hurt and gazed at her granny with wounded eyes.

“Sorry, sweet pea, but uh…… well, I have to make some gingerbread. I promised Miss Lakers next door I’d bring her some just as soon as I could.” Granny hurried from the living room into the kitchen as fast as she possibly could. She loved her granddaughter dearly, but most of Young Red’s talk went right over her head. With the air of an expert, Granny threw together some ingredients and began to furiously beat the batter with all the might of her tiny frame.

Red followed her into the kitchen, and watched her for a few minutes, wide-eyed.

“Granny, do you know how much energy is required for that oven to absorb the heat and cook that gingerbread fully? Why, I once was at-“

Granny sighed, and kept working the mixture. Red came and spent every summer with her. No doubt her parents just didn’t feel like listening to her non-ceasing talk of atoms, gravitational pulls, and electrical shock-waves, such non-sense was all that. The only way to quiet Red up was to give her a brand new science book. She then would sit on a chair and read with the same shocked and bug-eyed expression every time, not ever getting up at all until it was finished, even for Granny’s famous strawberry-chocolate custard, which was the envy of the whole neighborhood. Of course, even then you ran a risk, because she was only quiet for a couple of hours, and then when she was done, she had a whole new armload of scientific facts to fire out.

Granny sighed again and slid a pan of gingerbread batter into the oven. Then, straightening up with sudden resolve, she whipped around and pasted a huge, fake smile on her wrinkled face.

“Honey, I have a few errands I need you to attend to down in the village.”

Red finally quit talking, and she now stared at her grandmother in astonishment.

“But, Granny, you’ve always done those things yourself. You never wanted me to do them at all, remember?”

Granny kept the plastic smile.

“Well, dear, I….. I’m feeling a bit faint, and I think it would be better for me to just stay at home for now.” It was a huge lie, of course. Everyone who knew Granny admired the fact that she was as vigorous and feisty as she was a good cook. She never tired out.

Red reached up and slowly pushed her glasses up, a habit she had when she was thinking,

“Okay,” she finally said. “This will be good for me. I can figure out how to measure distances as I walk. I have neglected that, I’m afraid. I’m sure that I just need to-“Red exited the kitchen, still talking loudly to herself.

Granny exhaled wearily and shook her head.

“What a child,” she said aloud. “Well, the errands will take her about an hour and a half, so at least I can have some peace until then.”

“Granny,” Red poked her head around the corner, and Granny started guiltily.

“What?” she said, perhaps slightly irritably, for she was in no mood for more of Red’s chatter.

“You didn’t give me a list.”

“Oh. Sorry, honey.” Granny went over to the refrigerator and pulled a magnet off of a small piece of paper.

“Here you are, dear,” she said distractedly.

“Thanks, Granny.” Red once more ducked out of the kitchen, leaving Granny, again, to her own thoughts.

“I guess if I’m not lying down when she gets back she’ll be suspicious,” she thought. “Well, I suppose a break is just what I need to clear my head.”

Opening the creaky oven door, Granny removed the steaming loaves of gingerbread, and shook them out of the pans. She gazed around the kitchen. The counters were coated in flour, dishes were piled high in the sink, and all of her cabinet doors were open with pots and pans spilling out of them. She blinked twice. She was dying to get to work, for as we all know, Granny was no slacker.