Cursed [malexmale]

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

I wanted to be angry.

I wanted to want to find Dexius again, to rip his soul to shreds like I'd done to the kiska, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I suddenly felt drained and exhausted, and it was more than just the magic Hannibal had used on me to calm me down.

My entire life had been spent thinking I had done what I had done to get revenge for Dexius, for what my family had done to him. My entire life was focused on my memories of Dexius and I together. I kept myself going all these years thinking of Dexius. Now, it was all sucked out of me and I felt deflated, like a balloon tied to a post and left there.

I didn't even fight when Apollo pulled me to my feet and told me it was best that we get out of Xandria as soon as possible, the distant sound of Xios snarling making the others agree hastily. I didn't disagree or agree to his suggestion, just let him pull me along, feeling like I was stuck on some sort of autopilot, but unlike last time where I'd been frantic and terrified, now I felt... empty. Cold.

Even worse, Dexius's words kept spinning around and around in my head.

"You never loved me... you loved the idea of me."

What was that supposed to mean?

"You just wanted someone you could finally boss around and drag by the neck because you were the only god in the pantheon that was treated like a footstool."

All my life, my family had treated me like the pantheon punching bag. I tried to ignore the way my siblings mocked me and played tricks on me. I tried to tell myself that Atlan cared, even though he completely ignored my complaints about my siblings, even though he punished me for their wrongdoings. I tried to tell myself that Xenon was different, even though he would smile when my siblings called me worthless. I told myself, Lea and Zetnos and Xanius and everyone else knew it was wrong, even though they stood on the sidelines without a single reaction, as if it didn't bother them in the least.

I was the pantheon joke.

But when I met Dexius, I was... different. He didn't see me like a joke or a mockery or pathetic. He saw me for the god that I was. He came when I called for him and he brought me offerings when I asked for them, and he played games with me when I wanted to...

"... you loved no one. In fact, I don't think you even love yourself. Because even you can see how fucking selfish you are."

Selfish... Was it really selfish of me to want one person to care about me? To want one person who didn't treat me like garbage, like I was worthless?

Don't even love yourself... No. I didn't love myself. I never really had a chance to try. With Dexius, I felt like maybe I could, like maybe I could look at myself in the mirror in the morning and not want to sucker-punch the mirror. Dexius made me feel... beautiful. He made me feel powerful, like I could do anything, be anything. He made me feel like... a god. When no one else did.

And in return, you destroyed his family. His people.

That was what really angered him, and I still found it baffling. How could he possibly love all those people after what they'd done to him and his memory? How could he not want to destroy them himself? How could he not be happy about what I did? I did it because those people deserved it. I heard the cries of his family when they begged for my forgiveness, begged on Dexius's behalf, as if pleading to me would make everything better. Even as they begged me, they cursed Dexius to their dying breaths and I would never hold pity for them.

Never.

We walked in silence, navigating the tunnels back the way we came. No one spoke a word, not even Arikos. The silence was oddly deafening, that strange ringing when things were just too quiet, too eerie.