The current tries to take his hat away from me. I close my fingers on it and manage to heave myself another foot or so up on the bank. My feet are still in the river, up to my knees, I guess, it's so cold I can't tell. But the hat's out of the water now. I've got it. I won't lose it.

Unlike some other things...

I hope they got to that boat. I hope they got it working. I hope...

No. I know Alan will make it. It will take more than a island full of genetically engineered theme park monsters to kill him. He's indestructible.

Not like me, I'm afraid. I'm so cold... But that won't be what I die from. Something will come along and eat me. It's just a matter of time. Or maybe I'll bleed to death first. I think I'd rather that. It would hurt a lot less. And be more dignified than dying of hunger or infection. But I won't do that. Nothing just dies here. Something finds you first.

Dino burger... No. For dinos. Billy burger. Dino Chow... Suddenly I'm giggling, and then it turns into coughing. And it hurts. Oh, god, it hurts. I'm cold and it hurts and I'm so scared...

I clench my fingers on his hat. Alan... He's all right. He and Kirby got Eric out of the water and they're all all right. Especially Alan. He is. Single-minded, stubborn son of a bitch that he can be, this place won't be where he dies. Not even for those eggs...

Damn you, Brennan. "It was an impulsive decision but I had the best of intentions."

I should have known better than to say that. It was wrong all the way around. I don't think Alan even has impulses any more. If he ever did, he learned to stomp on them. He thinks before he acts. So careful... so damned careful...

I think I'm crying. Good thing no one's here, though I bet I'm slashed up enough they'd cut me slack. And it does hurt. Inside worse than out, though.

And good intentions... Alan doesn't really care about intentions. I know that. Results, that's what he cares about. Not that you have to be a success, no, not that... but I've heard him talk about Hammond, and InGen, and playing God... It's not results, really, no; it's means. Means and ends, and good intentions don't justify... the kind of thing I did. Knowing better while I was doing it.

And I did. God, of course I did, while I was settling the first egg into place in my bag I knew what he'd think. Why else was the first thing I did next to lie to him? Because I knew what he'd think. Not that I expected what he said.

"You're no better than the people who built this place."

God, that hurt. He wasn't right. Was he? I didn't do it for the money. Not the money. Not as money. I did it for what the money would do. For us.

For him.

It's always been him, since the first day almost...

God, it's cold. It hurts. Will something come and eat me, please? Now would be nice, before I remember everything I've lost.

Thrown away.

Alan...

I had to go for the kid. It wasn't an impulse, either. And I'd have done it if Alan hadn't been mad at me... I would have, wouldn't I? Sure. I would have. The kid... Gotta take care of the kid.

I'm giggling again. That kid. Eric. He's a resourceful little brat. Two months alone on this place, after seeing Mom's boyfriend chomped in half, and he's enough on top of things to yank Alan out from under the noses of those raptors.

Who were chasing him because he had those eggs. Why did he pick up that bag? Why didn't he let it lie there? Because it might have useful stuff in it? Because he just saw it there and he could?

God. Because it was mine, and I'd told him it was lucky? He was behind us, he's always behind us, making sure we're safe... I didn't see him, don't know how much risk he took to get the damned thing. To make himself the target. God, who'd have believed how fucking smart they are, those raptors? I've been listening to Alan for three years now and I didn't, not really... Another betrayal. Not the first. And not the last. God, no, not the last. Just almost the last.

When I'm dead, it'll be over. I won't be able to hurt him again. Won't have to look into those slate-colored eyes and see them hard and cold and hiding baffled hurt, won't have to miss them laughing and warm... And he'll be able to remember I saved the kid. I gave him that much. Like a man...

You have to save the kids. He doesn't even like kids, Alan, but he throws himself in between the stuff of his nightmares and them, because, well, you do, don't you? The only good thing I ever heard him say about Malcolm, because "oh, yes, he's smart, all right" isn't a good thing; the only good thing I ever heard him say was that Malcolm had jumped in front of a T Rex to save kids...