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Phule's Company by Robert Asprin Copyright 1990

INTRODUCTION

It has been said that every great man deserves a biographer. I have therefore taken it upon myself to keep a private record of my employer's activities during his career in the Space Legion. If there are those who would, perhaps, contest his qualifications as a great man, I would answer that he is the closest thing to a great man that it has been my privilege to associate with on close enough terms to keep such a journal. I would further point out that, in certain circles, Genghis Kahn and Geronimo are considered to be great men. To introduce myself, I am a gentleman's gentleman, or what would be referred to in military circles as a batman. (For the less literate-minded, I would ask that you refrain from associating that label with any comic book character you might be familiar with. I have always felt that capes were an unnecessary fashion statement and have endeavored to discourage my employers from resorting to such tacky, attention-seeking ploys.) I am called Beeker, and neither require nor seek additional titles of address. Although I was with my employer since the time of his enlistment and before, I feel that the truly noteworthy portion of his career began at his court-martial. To be specific, at his first court-martial.

The waiting room had the kind of decor one would expect of the greenroom of a down-at-the-heels acting troupe. Two ancient sofas of indeterminate color were sagging against opposite walls, surrounded by an assortment of folding and wooden chairs that would have been cheap if new, and the magazines strewn on the only table would have made an archaeologist sit up and take notice. Two men shared the space, more at home with each other than with their surroundings. One was a chunky individual of medium height, decked out in impeccable but conservative civilian clothes, or civvies, as they were known in these quarters. His ruddy face had the bland expression of one used to waiting as he dominated one sofa, idly staring at the pocket microcomputer in his lap and steadfastly ignoring his companion. The other occupant was anything but calm in appearance or manner. Whiplash lean, he seemed to radiate barely suppressed energy as he paced the room's confines. If tigers stood vigil in maternity waiting rooms while awaiting delivery of their young, there would be little difference between their display of anxiety and that shown by the young man's nervous prowling. Perhaps panthers would be a better comparison, as his uniform was the midnight black of the Space Legion-a color chosen not for its aesthetic or camouflage value as much as the fact the dye could hide the origins of any military surplus uniform bought in lots by the budget-strapped Legion. Not that he was wearing a standard-issue uniform, mind you. His collar pips marked him as a lieutenant, and like most officers he had his uniforms tailor-made, taking full advantage of the Legion's lack of uniformity among their uniforms. The quality of

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the fabric and workmanship in his garment was several notches above normal, though he had deliberately chosen one of a more somber cut for this occasion. "For cryin' out loud, how long does it take them?" The question burst almost unbidden from the lieutenant's lips as he began his fiftieth circuit of the room. The man on the sofa didn't even glance up. "It's really not my place to say, sir." It was the first response to any of his muttering, and the lieutenant seized on the words as a focus for his irritation. "Don't give me that 'subservient butler' guff, Beeker! Since when have you ever not had an opinion on something or been hesitant to share it with me . . . asked or not?" Beeker's gaze shifted from his reading to the lieutenant. "Well, actually you've been a bit more close-minded than usual since you joined the Space Legion, sir . . . or rather since you made up your mind to join. In this specific case, however, I was under the impression that what you voiced was a rhetorical question." "It was . . . but answer it, anyway. Come on, Beeker. Talk to me." With careful deliberation, the butler set his reader aside. "Certainly, sir. Could you repeat the question?" "What do you thinks taking them so long?" the lieutenant said, resuming his prowling, but more slowly now that he was verbalizing