Life After Rehab ✓

[Chapter Eighteen] Where He Lets Her In

Chapter Eighteen - Where He Lets Her In
Julian's Pov

Bailey and I have been here five days now and I keep talking her into coming to set with me and the director loves her, she calms me down and Kimberly's always all over me on scenes to annoy her, but Bailey's been awesome about it and I don't truly think it's bothering her too much. She knows I belong to her and she doesn't need to question that.

I was relieved that she didn't fight me as much about that card, I didn't want her parents expecting something from her for spending theirs and I know she was annoyed but I wanted her to be able to have anything she wanted and people probably would think I was stupid but I trusted her.

I know I need to open up to her more but I just can't, I don't want her to see me weak, I like being strong for her and taking care of her and I don't want her to have to take care of me. I want to let her in but I'm afraid of what she'll think if I do.

Girls aren't the only ones who are insecure about that shit and I could barely admit it to myself let alone to her, I would rather her think I was closed off then weak.

I would be up late at night trying to play something or write something but I just couldn't make progress on this damn song, I knew I was already in massive trouble for this but it didn't make it any easier to finish it, it actually made it more difficult.

I paced around and decided to take a shower and when I got out and wiped the mirror with a towel I just stared at my reflection and I just wanted to line up cocaine on a mirror and snort it and I felt angry. I wanted the urges to go the fuck away but all I saw when I looked in a mirror was cocaine and I wanted it so damn bad.

I threw on shorts and a t-shirt and headed to her room and I sat on the edge of the bed and watched her sleep.

She was sprawled out across the bed half way on her stomach with her knee underneath her and her right arm tucked under her head in a way that looked uncomfortable and her other one was out to the side, she was laying sideways across the bed and I just smiled looking at her.

She looked so peaceful and healthy. I ran my fingers through her hair and was amazed at how soft it's gotten since I met her, how healthy and soft her skin was, how clear and beautiful her eyes would be if she were to look at me now.

The blankets were falling away from her and I ran my hand up the back of her shirt and rubbed her back, she groaned and shifted a little but didn't wake up. I just needed to be able to feel her here. I spent a lot of nights in here watching her sleep, it was creepy I admit but it was the only thing that kept me from calling a dealer.

If I looked at her I could do it, I know I'll have to be my own reason but I think that can wait, I don't think it's a bad thing to rely on someone, this is fucking hard and you need people to help you be strong until you're strong enough to do it alone.

"Just stop staring and curl up with me." she mumbled and I slid into bed behind her and fell right asleep, she was better than any drug.

In the morning I left to head to set and didn't want to wake her today so I left her a note and kissed her forehead before I left for set, I wished that she was here though because everyone missed her, she was this happy presence for everyone.

It's amazing to see how much she changes when she feels comfortable around someone. Her and Lucca were like best friends and I think Nia wished she played for her team, they were in love with her and it also amazed me that she didn't see that.

She couldn't understand what I saw in her, why I loved her or why I felt incredibly lucky to be with her, if she just opened up even a little bit and didn't feel threatened; people just fell in love with her. She was kind and giving and I wished she could see this.