Thoughts Of Flyingsquirrels


Oh hi there :3 realized that even though this is called "Thoughts Of Flyingsquirrels" I haven't actually put many thoughts in here. And, since I had a  thought stream, I guess you could call it,  on Saturday night that's reasonably easy to follow, I thought I might as well tell you lot about it.

So...I didn't sleep on Saturday night. So I was on Youtube, as I usually am when I can't sleep, and I was listening to a song that kinda got me thinking. I can't remember for the life of me what song it was, but I think the lyric went something like "until forever ends". Which got me thinking about 'forever'. long is forever? I know some people say forever means until the end of time, but no-one knows when time will end. I mean, people say 'forever' like it's such a long time, but really, time could end tomorrow, and that would be the end of forever. So really, forever could only be until tomorrow. And besides, how could you know how you'll feel in 10 years or so? 20? Whenever you die? How could you possibly say that something will stay the same for as long as time goes on?

This thought then led me on to thinking about time. More specifically, the end of time.

I mean....if forever is until the end of time, then when does time end? Does it go on for the whole of eternity? The only answer I could come up with was that my time will be up when I die. Which really means that my forever will only last for...maybe 80 years, at the most. Which also means my forever could end tomorrow.

So, if forever is as long as you're alive, then is my forever over already? Did it ever even begin? 'Cause there sure as hell are days when I feel dead.

Now, there's something I should probably explain. When I end up thinking about things like this, I kinda have...mental conversations...with my sub-conscience. I'm not completely sure how that's possible. I'll be thinking to myself, and my sub-conscience will just randomly come up with something. Like when you think something really loud and end up wondering if you actually said it out loud.

So yeah. I'd just managed to decide that I was somewhere between dead and alive, when my sub-conscience decided to blurt out "So what's this? This is you falling apart."

I spent six hours trying to decide what that meant. I mean...I didn't think just...appeared in my mind. Am I falling apart? I don't know. It scared me a bit, because I didn't...I didn't think that I'm falling apart...but some part of me must think that. I don't know.

I guess that's part of the reason why I hate my mirror so much. When I look in a mirror is the only other time my sub-conscience says anything. Okay, so maybe I don't hate mirrors. Mirrors only tell the truth. No judgement. It just shows what a total stranger would see. And I hate that. Because then it just leaves me to judge what everyone else sees.

I think the last time my sub-conscience said anything about my reflection was the Monday before last. It was just like any other day. I went to the mirror, to do my eyeliner. I don't know why, but I ended up doing a double-take at my reflection. I just...didn't look like me. I looked so...scared. And that was when my sub-conscience decided to say something. It was only one word: "Pathetic". Then, as if to prove a point, I burst into tears.

Uhm. So yeah...that's an insight into what I spend all my time thinking about. I hope you enjoyed reading about what goes on in my mind, because I fucking hate it.

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