Drop Dead Gorgeous (YoungWritersPrize)

Nobody Dies A Virgin

And I'm talking to myself at night

Because I can't forget

Back and forth through my mind

Behind a cigarette

And the message coming from my eyes

Says leave it alone  

Why is this song rambling in my head over and over again? The lyrics remind me of Lucas but…I'm going crazy from this stupid melody repeating itself in my head.

Over and over again.

Hospital smell. I hate it. It scares me. It disgusts me. Sick people disgust me. Medical staff scares me. The thought of strangers touching you, even if it's because of medical reasons, simply repels me. Other people's hands on your body. Cold. Disgusting. Humiliating.

My mind still feels out of focus. I need to eat something.

I just don't feel like it. Fuck it.

Kayla was sleeping stretched on three white chairs in the waiting room. Her face was covered in smeared make-up. She was still holding that soggy handkerchief in her hand. Purple hair covering her eyes.

And Lucas…He was just staring at the wall. He seemed so far away…

I was still holding his hand. It felt sweaty. And warm. But mostly sweaty.

»I'm gonna go get some fresh air.« I said and let go of his hand.

»O…Okay.« He murmured. He was obviously spaced out. His eyes turned towards the wall again. I wanted to crease his cheek, he just looked so…volnerable. But instead I clenched my fists and walked away.

I don't know what was wrong with me, I just couldn't…The thought of strangers hands touching him…Cold. Disgusting. Humiliating. Jimmy's acident…Kayla's terrified face…My mom…Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are we all so messed up? Why us?

I couldn't breathe. I suddenly felt this heavy feeling in my chest, like someone were pressing on my lungs…I needed to get out of here.

I finally found a balcony. Cold air gushed at me, wiping away all the sweaty droplets off my face, cooling me down. As soon as I breathed in that cold, heavenly air, I felt my heart calming down, my lungs relaxing…It was the best feeling on this godforsaken world.

I prefer night over day. Darkness over light. I don't exactly know why. It's just prettier and safer I guess…You can hide in the dark, you can just disappear and become one with everything. Night lights. So beautiful. Little bright flecks flickering in the cold, dark night. People adore Christmas lights, but I like those red lights and candles that people leave on graves of their lost ones, especially on the Remembrance day. The entire graveyard is covered with red, flickering candles, it's just so stunning, like thousands bloody rose petals dipped into darkness, so more sincere than those fake, colourful Christmas lights. Christmas is overrated.

»Hey.« I heard Lucas's voice behind me.

»Hey.« I answered and stared into the city night.

»Eat.« He gave me a chocolate bar and leaned on the fence, next to me. Soft gush of cold air brushed through his dark hair.

I looked at the chocolate in my hands. I didn't feel any craving for food at all. Totally useless. »Thanks.«

He looked at me, raising one of his eyebrows. He saw I wasn't eating, so he rolled his eyes and grabbed the chocolate. »So?« He asked while unwrapping the candy bar.