[4] I Hate Myself for Losing You

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Dedicated to bookdreamer2012 for the sweet comment last chapter, thank you)

Kallie on the side --->

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(Unedited)

What do you say when everything you said,

Is the reason why he left you in the end?

How do you cry when every tear you shed,

Won't ever bring him back again?

I hate myself for loving you.

~I Hate Myself for Losing You- Kelly Clarkson

     "Oh my god."

     "Raine?" Blake asked looking as surprised as I felt. How? Out of all the people in the world, how could Blake be Shawn's roommate? I know there's the saying 'it's a small world', but come on, really? The guy I decide to try and match up with Devon turns out to be the roommate of the guy whose cousin kidnapped me. The world has something against me moving on from my past, I swear.

     "Hi," I replied, waving awkwardly.

     "You guys know each other?" Shawn asked as Blake took a seat beside him.

     "Yeah, we met on the Apollo Eleven," Blake responded jokingly. He cleared his throat uncomfortably when all of use just turned to stare at him weirdly. "She's my cousin ex-girlfriend."

     I winced. Awkward explanation much, Blake? I shot a glance around the table. Shawn looked a bit amused, same with Devon. I breathed a sigh of relief at the last one. Devon knew about Jared, but not much about Blake. He knew that there had been an accomplice, but not that it had been Blake.

     Shawn cleared his throat. "Awkward..." he sang under his breath.

     Blake's eyes widened as he realized what he had said. "Not like that! I mean, there's not any resentment-"

     "You might want-" I cut myself off, trying to find a polite way to tell him to shut up.

     "I should just shut up," Blake said, doing the job for me.

     "Smart idea," Shawn commented, causing everyone to burst out in awkward laughter. "So, major?" he asked, changing the subject.

     "Psychology," Devon answered. "No, that doesn't mean I'm at all psychic, so don't ask," he added when Shawn's eyes lit up.

     "I was hoping for a reading of my future," he said, pouting slightly.

     Devon smirked. "Sorry to disappoint," he replied, not really sounding apologetic.

     "Hashtag sorry, not sorry," Blake interrupted which pulled a snort from both Shawn and Devon. What? Hashtags? What was so funny about that?

     "Um, lost here," I told them, raising my hand slightly.

     "Twitter," Shawn said, as if the word explained everything.

     I gave him a blank look.

     "Raine doesn't do social networks. She knows YouTube, Facebook and E-mail and that's it," Devon explained.

     Shawn turned to me. "You poor, oblivious child."

     "Hey!" I exclaimed. I thought I left that all in high school! I mean, come on, I'm not really all that innocent. I just choose not to spend a lot of my time online. Well, at least not on those kind of sites. I just watch YouTube videos.

     "Sorry, it's true, though," Shawn said, reaching over, his hand aiming for my hair. I quickly ducked to avoid it, narrowly missing Devon's elbow.

      My phone buzzed in my hand. A message from Bells popped up.

      I shot a glance at Blake. Last time I had seen him, he had liked her. It had been three years, but who knows? What if he still did? Did it matter? I mean, Bells wasn't with Clark anymore, but I wasn't sure if she wanted to be with Blake or see him again. Did she even remember him?

      Devon, Shawn and Blake were all still talking so I decided to open up her message and reply.

     Kallie called about the movie. And I found out that Clark is still Kaden's manager. That's why he was there yesterday.

     Oh no. Bells sounded pretty upset, I could tell even over text. And it was most likely about Clark.

      I'll be back in ten.

      "I gotta go," I said pocketing my phone.

      Devon followed my action with curious eyes. "Something with Bells?" Blake's head snapped up at the sound of her name. Hmm, so maybe he still was, at least a little bit, hung up on her. Maybe. I wasn't sure how Bells would react, but with the Clark thing... Yeah, it probably wouldn't be best to ask her just yet.

      "It's nothing big, don't worry. Shawn, I trust that next time I see Devon he'll be in one piece, right?" I teased, keeping my voice light. Devon knew a bit about Clark, but he didn't know about Blake, and I hadn't had told him about the movie thing yet. And I didn't particularly feel like telling him everything with Blake and Shawn present.

      "I'll try," Shawn replied with a wink. I grinned and said a quick goodbye before leaving. It didn't take long to reach Bells and I's apartment, since it was only a block or two from the coffee shop. When I got back, I found Bells curled up on the couch, flipping through a magazine.

     "Hey, you okay?" I asked, shutting the door.

     She looked up and shot me a weak smile. "Yeah, fine."

     I didn't believe it for a second. Before I could say anything else, though, the phone rang. Bells nodded to it. "That's probably Kallie. I told her to call back in ten minutes. Why'd you put the apartment line, by the way? Why not your cell?" she asked, her tone light.

     I shrugged and reached over to pick up the phone. "Hello?"

     "Raine?" Yup, that was Kallie.

     "Hey, Kallie," I replied, slightly distracted as I narrowed my eyes at Bells, who sighed and mouthed 'I'll tell you after'.

     "So, Rory and I talked to the rest of Summer Productions. They were skeptical at first, but they liked their Audition tape enough and agreed that you and Kaden have chemistry," Kallie told me. Great, I thought. Because everyone loves being told there's still chemistry between them and their ex that cheated on them. After three years. "So, congratulations, you have the part!"

     I blinked. Okay, keep in mind, that I, am a really weird person. So instead of screaming like any normal person would do, I barely kept a curse in. Yes, it's a movie, and it's gonna be popular, and I'm happy about that, but... It's Kallie. And Brett. And Kaden.

     "Uh, Raine, this is the part where you start screaming," Kallie teased, almost as if she had read my mind through the phone.

     "One sec, it's still sinking in," I lied, not wanting to tell her the reason I wasn't freaking out was because it was her and her brother.

     "So, you want the part?" Kallie asked. I was about to say 'sure' when my eyes drifted to Bells who was still sitting on the couch watching me.

     "One moment Kallie," I told her, putting the phone down.

     "What are you doing?" Bells exclaimed.

     "She asked if I wanted the part,"

     "Say yes, duh!"

     "Are you okay with it?"

     "What? Of course!"

     "No, I mean- I'm not gonna just leave you by yourself for the whole summer for filming. We said we'd spend the summer together. I wanna know if you're okay with seeing Clark every now and then, just in case if he's there when you come," I explained.

     For a moment she was silent.

     "Be honest, Bells," I told her. Okay, so maybe, a small part of me was looking for an excuse out of this. I was genuinely concerned about Bells, though. I didn't want her to have to spend the summer alone after I asked her to quit her job for the summer so we could explore New York together. If she really didn't want to see Clark again, I wouldn't say yes. I owed her that much, and she would do the same for me.

     "Tell Kallie you'll do it. I'll be fine. The breakup wasn't that bad," Bells finally answered, biting her lip.

     I raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

     "Yeah, Raine, tell her yes before I do it for you," she instructed, her tone light, though it was strained.

     I chuckled and pulled the phone back to my ear. "Kallie?"

     "Yeah?"

     "I'll do it."

     "Great. Can you come down to the theatre to tomorrow to pick up the script and so we can do cast photos?"

     "Yeah, sure. Uh, for some filming sessions, will be alright if Bells comes?" I asked. The sound of skin hitting skin echoed through the apartment as Bells slapped a palm to her forehead.

     Kallie laughed. "Yeah, that'll be fine."

     "Uh, cool, thanks, then. Um, see you tomorrow?"

     "Yep! Wait! Raine, you know that Kaden's gonna be playing Colton, right?" Kallie asked.

     I sighed. "Yeah, it'll be so much fun," I told her tiredly before hanging up and turning to Bells. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

     Bells shook her head. "I want to. I said I would after the phone call. And you deserve to know.

     "It was kind of suddenly. Halfway through senior year, Kaden was approached by some kind of acting scout. You know Brett posted the video on YouTube, right?"

     I nodded.

     "Yeah, well, somehow it got a lot of views, and I guess people in the professional acting world saw it."

     "Some people came to me too. Which was kinda creepy since I have no idea how they found me," I replied, nodding again. I had no idea how our video had managed to collect so many views, but it had. It wasn't famous, but it had a couple hundred thousand hits. Weirdly enough.

     "And you said no?"

     I shrugged. "I wanted to get better before I really did anything. And Julliard's been a goal since I was a child, I didn't want to give it up. But it's not about me. Continue."

     "So Kaden accepted and he was told he had to go to Hollywood. None of us really wanted him to go alone, because, well, after what happened, something changed. He wasn't the same," Bells told me, pausing between each word while looking at me worriedly.

     "I thought Kaden was going to study Law so he could take over the family business." I commented, doing my best to sound un-affected. It wasn't too bad. I mean, I had seen Kaden for the Audition earlier this week, so just talking about him didn't hurt much.

     "I don't know. Maybe this is some sort of in between thing or something. I think Kallie's the only one who really knows his reasons, he didn't really tell us anything."

     "So I'm guessing Clark went?" I asked, returning the subject to Bells and Clark. I wanted to ask more about Kaden, but if that was all Bells knew... And it wasn't about Kaden, or me, it was about her and Clark.

     "He and Kallie were the only ones who could. My parents wouldn't let me and neither did Brett's. Clark was starting to get sick of his dad, and Kallie didn't really want to go. And since he was a bit more responsible than Kallie, no offense to her, he went as Kaden's manager."

     "Did you guys try long distance?"

     "Yeah. It was going fine. We Skyped every night, texted a lot during the day. I sent him photos of what was going on at school and he did the same with what was going on over there."

     I smiled slightly. Bells and Clark was probably the only couple I knew that could've pulled it off. "So what happened then?"

     Bells sighed. "I don't know. I really don't know. I thought things were going fine, but I guess not for him," she explained, her voice starting to grow shaky.

     "You really don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I repeated when I noticed tears pricking in the corners of her eyes.

     She just shook her head. "Then one day, he told me it was over. It was over Skype, there wasn't any explanation, he said he didn't want to talk about it."

     What? No. Clark... Clark wasn't like that. He didn't break up with someone without an explanation. I meant, I wouldn't know since he's always been with Bells, but he wasn't that kind of person. At least, he hadn't been.

     "Aww, Bells." I quickly pulled her into a hug. That had to have been awful.

     It surprised me, though. Clark and Bells had always been great together. They just clicked. They were similar enough that they didn't clash, but they didn't get bored of each other. They had talked to each other about everything. I remember they used to have all these little jokes, or looks, or understanding that none of us knew. I swear, they were the closest two people in a relationship could be without being married.

     "The worst part is, I don't know what I did. I don't know why. I don't know anything," Bells said. I could feel a bit of witness soaking into my shirt and I knew that the tears in her eyes had leaked out.

     "I know, I know," I told her, trying to make her feel better, though I wasn't really into it. Instead, I was thinking about a different time, a different place, a similar situation that I had been involved in.

     But not as the victim.

***

     Two hours later, I found myself lying on my bed, counting dots on my ceiling. Not because I was that bored, but because I was trying to keep myself from thinking about what Bells had said.

     Suddenly, my cell rang, shattering the silence. I checked the screen and grinned. "Hey mom," I chirped, happy for a distraction.

     "Hello, Sweetheart," Mom replied, her tone making my smile grow wider. She sounded genuinely happy, which meant things were going well. Hopefully. "How are things?"

     "They're going pretty well. Exams just finished and Bells and I are probably gonna spend some time exploring New York." At least, that had been the plan. I wasn't sure if it was still on with the movie thing.

     "Are you going to visit anytime?"

     "I'll try. I'm not sure. Um, Bells actually took me to an audition. For a movie. And, uh, I think I got the part." Wow. Any other girl in my place would be screaming and calling everyone she knew to tell them that she was starting in a movie with Kaden Fleming, and here I was, almost reluctant to tell my own mother. It wasn't that I wasn't happy about landing the part, it would be great for my résumé, it's just, well, it's my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend.

     "That's amazing, Raine! Just be careful about the paparazzi, okay? You know how tabloids are," Mom teased, causing me to laugh. It was almost like an ongoing joke for us. Ever since I had told her that I wanted to go into the acting world, she had warned me about paparazzi.

     "Mom, I'm not famous," I told her, rolling my eyes.

     "It's only a matter of time. What movie is it?"

     "It's called 'Call Me Cupid'."

     "Oh, Kallie's movie?"

     If there had been anything in my mouth, I would've probably spat it out, like those scenes in movies. I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop. "You knew?" Was I the only one who hadn't heard of this movie? I mean, seriously?

     "Her mother mentioned that Kallie would be making a film with Brett. She also said that Kaden would be in it."

     "Uh yeah, he's playing one of the leads."

     "And you are?"

     "The other lead," I responded quietly. Yeah, Mom, me and my ex are leading together in a romantic comedy. It's kind of a funny story. Not really, though.

     "Raine, be careful. I love Kaden and Kallie to bits, but with what happened..." she trailed off, not wanting to finish. She didn't have to. No one really upright said what happened. It was always referred to as 'what happened' or 'those events'.

     "I know, Mom, I know. Nothing will happen, don't worry," I told her. Mom was probably thinking about what I had told her, while I was trying to gather my courage to ask the one question that I was dying to know the answer to. But at the same time, I was scared. Scared of what she would tell me. "So, how are you and Dad doing?" I asked hesitantly, bracing myself for the worst.

     Don't get me wrong, I loved my parents, and I couldn't have asked for better ones. They were amazing; supportive, easy-going and they weren't at all overbearing or never there. Mom gave great advice when I needed it and while Dad wasn't really a talker, I knew he was there and he beat up any guys without me having to ask. We had our arguments, sure, but I knew they would always be there for me when I needed them.

     When it came to each other, though, it was a different story. Now, I repeat, they were great parents, I knew they wanted the best for me. Some nights, though, as I grew up, it seemed that they forgot that the walls weren't quite soundproof. They seemed to almost have a love/hate relationship, which was pretty ironic, considering what had happened. I knew they loved each other, but their arguments always seemed to last weeks. Sometimes, they argued about the smallest, stupidest things, but usually it was something about Dad's work. Or to be more accurate, his outings with his co-workers.

      Dad wasn't an alcoholic, really. He rarely ever drank. When he did though, it was bad. He was an emotional drunk, I guess you could put t. His moods were all over the place, and he wasn't exactly fun to be around. He wasn't abusive or anything, it was just incredibly tiring and annoying to keep up with him.

     I guess, the arguments weren't always about his work. It just seemed to always appear in whatever they were having a disagreement about. Then that automatically caused the argument to last weeks.

     "We're fine, Raine. Enjoy the summer, you don't have to worry about us, we'll be alright," Mom assured me, sounding just a little bit guilty. Mom and Dad knew that their fights weren't the most pleasant to listen to. They tried to keep them quiet, or send me to the Flemings when things got shaky, they really did try, but I guess they still felt guilty.

     "That's great, Mom. I'm glad things are going well," I told her honestly. It wasn't often that I heard Mom really happy about her and Dad.

     And maybe, if things were right with them, everything else would eventually be alright too.



-READ ME-

Awkward end. -.-
Not the most eventful chapter, sorry, this was mostly an info filler. Real stuff starts next chapter. :3
Okay, for any of you who haven't seen, I got a trailer for this story. I added a part for it way at the beginning, if you guys wanna check it out. The trailer was made by the amazing @beautyatwork. :)
So tomorrow's my birthday. And I was wondering, if it's not too much to ask, we could get this story under 200, rank wise? The lowest I've ever gone is 250 something, so I was wondering if for my birthday, you guys could help me set a new record? I know ranks aren't everything, but it's still a sort of goal for me. All I'm asking, is basically a total up. Silent readers, mobile readers, normal readers, everyone, mind commenting or voting? Promote if you want to, but that's REALLY, really, really not necessary.Please don't feel that you have to do any of this, it's really only if you want to. Thank you!

Vote, if you were a bit surprised about Clark and Bells.
Comment, if you think Kallie's up to something.
Fan, if you're excited for the filming and glimpses into the Hollywood life.

Teaser: Cast photos, script, and a certian encounter between two guys...
Update: Aim: Sunday. Latest: Tuesday.


~JJ :)

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