Groundskeeper Willie: Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
Wendell: I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper Willie: That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer: You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]
Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[holds pony tail to his head]
Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.
Redneck Matt Groening: [notices he's being filmed drinking Tequila shots behind his desk]
[shouts, heavily accented]
Redneck Matt Groening: Get out of my office!
[fires a six-shooter twice]
Guy N. Cognito: [comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.
Moe: Get out of here, Homer!
[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]
Homer: [walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a puffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Here, puff!
Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility]
[shouts]
Grampa: The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!
[Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field]
Tom Brady: [shouts] Everyone sucks but me!
Homer: D'oh!
Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
Marge: [the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour Guide: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.
Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.
Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!
Mr. Burns: Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.
Grampa: [to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.
Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.
Mr. Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.
Marge: [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!
[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer!
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...
Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?
Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.
Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]
Homer: Well, I am bald and important!
Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.
Apu: Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.