"BRUCE ALMIGHTY"

by Steve Koren & Mark O'Keefe

Rewrite by Steve Oedekerk

7/30/02



INT. KOWOLSKI'S BAKERY - KITCHEN - DAY

A news crew shuttles around a GIGANTIC COOKIE. Standing by
are the KOWOLSKI BROTHERS, GUSTOV and VOL, two SHORT, STOCKY,
MEN, along with MOTHER KOWOLSKI and other bakery family
employees. A "30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY" sign hangs in the
background.

BRUCE NOLAN looks into a make-up mirror, desperately trying
to place a large segment of wayward hair.

BRUCE
Oh, God, no! The hair's wrong. This
is a bad sign.
(calling out)
We really need to get a make-up
person?!

The segment producer, ALLY LOMAN, steps over.

ALLY
Not in the budget. And not to worry,
you're going to look great in this.

She holds out a HAIR NET.

BRUCE
A hair net? I'm not wearing a hair
net. I just did the hair.

ALLY
(matter of fact)
Health code. In the kitchen or around
the cookie, you gotta have it.

BRUCE
(to crew: re hair net)
You guy's should tell me this before
hand, this is like a huge waste of...
moose.

Bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes
up looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.

BRUCE
Remind me to swing by an elementary
school after this and serve lunch.

Ally laughs.

ALLY
You're a thing of beauty. In three,
two, one...

Bruce SNAPS from pissed to instant charismatic TV newsman.

(Note: Whenever Bruce speaks on camera he speaks in his
"REPORTER'S VOICE" -- that recognizable, too-smooth delivery
that all news reporters seem to have. In mathematical terms
Bruce's version is to the 7th power.)

BRUCE
For three decades the Kowolski Family
Bakery has been a mainstay in downtown
Buffalo. Known for their sinfully
rich, cream filled, deep fried polski
pierogis. And the occasional sugar
induced coma that follows. Today, in
honor of their 30 year anniversary,
Momma Kowolski and her sons Gustov
and Vol, decided to do something, a
little bit different. Tell me guys,
how did this idea come about?

GUSTOV
Well, Vol said to me, 'Gustov, why
don't we make the biggest chocolate
chip cookie in Buffalo?' And I said,
'Yeah, sure.'

BRUCE
Wow. Fascinating.

Bruce steps up to the HUGE COOKIE.

BRUCE
The previous Buffalo cookie record
was 3 feet, 17 inches baked by Gladys
Pelsnick. But this behemoth cookie
clearly proving that Gustov and Vol
have much more free time.

The Kowolski brothers and all celebrate in the background,
toasting with big mugs of milk. Bruce steps forward, looks
dramatically at camera, slow zoom in as he speaks.