The Newest Chapter

I need to say it myself

So this entire time, I've been waiting for you to say it

Say that we are over. for good. done for. all gone. bye bye.

And in my head, once that is said and done, it'lll all be over.

I won't live in what if's and I won't live in curiosity of what was and might be.

And when you mention someone else, that you are supposedly exclusive with

I figure that it is done. that we are done.

But when I ask for a complete sentence for sanity,

"We will not get back together"

You won't say it.

Even if you didn't mean it, I just needed to hear it.

You say you can't say it.

That you still have poems and letters

And you have no idea how hard that makes this

But it needs to be said, by one of us

And if it'll help, then I'll say it myself.

We are not getting back together.

Because you never actually tried on your own

I had to pull you tooth and nail for any interaction with family 

And no matter how much I said it meant to me, you wouldn't even slow dance

Any time I got comfortable enough to geek out about things we don't have in common , I got called stupid

The slightest little things that might be annoying got treated like nuclear bombs when they were actually a 3rd grade science project with vinegar and baking soda.

And I really hate having to come to this realization on my own, but unless I write it- It'll just be a distant thought and not a fact.

Anytime I talked about wanting to better myself, how I was disappointed with a B, I was called condescending.

Well lets think about it. I never talked shit about anyone else's grades. I was pro-me, not non-everyone else.

And if it was a weekend, and I wanted to hang out, it was too far. inconvenient. and to me, that made me not worth it. Not worth a twenty minute walk, not worth getting out of bed

You knew family was important to me. you knew that it was a prime thing in my life. and still, it didn't occur to you to try to make any attempts at reconciliation with my stepdad.

You knew that I had a history with being ignored in relationships, and you still went over two weeks without initiating a conversation. on several occasions.

You knew this entire time that I have trust issues and try not to get comfortable. and you still insisted on talking like we had a future together. You insisted we would be together. and when I finally tore down the last few bricks of my walls, is when you decided it wasn't what you wanted. 

I begged you over and over again to not say things you didn't mean. to not lie or bullshit me. and you did. you lied about feelings and reassured me to get out of conversation.

When I wanted to teach you something to work out issues, as a precaution, so that we could work through it. Instead I got the sentence, "this seems like its for people with issues, we don't have issues." 

And here we are, not even six months later, not together. 

I tried so hard to not be stupid, to be direct and logical about the way I treated you. I was honest, I was respectful. I tried to be understanding.

and looking back, I put up with so much more than other girls would have. I defended you even in things that I didn't agree with. I made it a point to try to get my family to like you.

I always made sure to ask if it was okay with you when it came to other guys. I checked in, was open with conversations and interactions, tried to have you meet them.

And you kept me from the girls you talked to. didn't let me know when you hung out until afterwards, didn't bother to even ask if I was okay with it. 

 I also remember hearing that I'm boring. Which is odd because every time I had any drama, you told me to just end the relationship with them. any time that I said I could see both sides to an arguement, you found the extremity of who it was with and acted like you knew it all.

And apparently I'm clingy, which is odd. considering I encouraged you to hang out with friends, I never minded unless I was getting ignored. 

If you can't get the message, I feel wronged. I feel like I deserve a better reason for getting dumped. I feel hurt. All this trust and faith I put in you, and it clearly meant much less to you than it did to me.

I feel even more disappointed in myself. For not seeing the problems earlier, for letting myself get so stupid! I knew that this was going to happen!

We have completely different morals

Definitely different relationship etiquette.

And quite frankly, I'm out of your league anyways.

 I don't want it to hurt anymore.

I never in my right mind would get back together with you. All legitimate reasoning say no. Yet it still fucking hurts to say that we will not get back together. 

But you know what, we weren't right. and I knew that in the back of my head the whole time.

We're not getting back together.

I honestly just feel stupid for ignoring the signs the entire time we were together. I feel stupid for it all. I really, truly do. and I can't believe I've let it effect me this much.

But you know what? Now it's been said. 

Now all that's left is acceptance.

and the rest is history.