Before Sunday

Eighteen

9:03 PM

The silence that fills the space in Xavier's car while he drives me home is awful. I want to say something but it doesn't seem to matter how I try to piece the words together, they come out wrong anyway.

I thank Xavier for the evening and as he pulls out from the lot, I don't even bother heading inside, instead I go in the direction of Jackson's beach house. The walk allows me time to reflect. I shouldn't have told Xavier. I should not have let any of that slip. Hurting someone with intent is one thing—at least you're making the conscious effort to do it— but hurting someone unintentionally is worse because you don't want to hurt them in the first place.

My heart is heavy with an unspoken somberness. I am the cause of Xavier's sadness and the thought of that rips me to shreds. By the time I get to 33 Beachfront Avenue, I'm drowning in guilt. The steps to Jackson's door feel like I'm trying to summit Everest.

I bring my hand to the doorknob when I feel it slide in my palm and open. I wordlessly step inside. Jackson closes the door and slides the locks it into place. I want to be happy, I want to finish where we left off but I feel so remorseful for telling X and it's chewing at me like a hungry dog.

"Something wrong, Angel?"

I nod.

The smile which is almost always on Jackson's face falls and he takes quick steps toward me, his hand tugging on his earlobe. "What happened?"

"Let's just say X found out that I've been deflowered."

He laughs before catching his faux pas then his expression darkens. "I'm surprised he didn't try to kick my ass."

"He wouldn't do that. I told him I'm in love with you."

"Did you tell him that I know it's a big deal? I know it's a huge deal and I would never take that for granted."

"I didn't tell him that. I wanted to shrink, to disappear when he found out. It was a mistake."

"Not part of a casual dinner conversation, huh?"

I shake my head.

Jackson reaches up, removing the elastic holding my hair into a topknot and it falls down, brushing across my shoulders. "Why did you feel that way? Nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about."

I shrug, feeling tears begin to prickle at my eyes. "I don't know. I'm not embarrassed Jax but I feel guilty." I blink and the damned traitorous things begin to slip down my cheeks.

His thumbs are quick to swipe them away. "Don't cry, Angel. Swear to God, each tear takes a piece of my soul."

"I just feel like I've somehow broken X's heart."

His head tilts to the side, considering what I've said. "Do you think Xavier Morgan is in love with you, Lola?"

"Not until you came along."

"And now?"

"Now, I don't know."

"Could the feeling be mutual, even a little bit?"

"What? No. That's crazy, Jackson. He's my best friend."

"Best friends are best friends for a reason, Angel. They have things in common, history. Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure about anything. I love Xavier like a brother and the only person I'm in love with is standing in front of me."

His hands run the length of my hair. "I'm glad to hear you say that but I hate that you're sad. What can I do to make it better?"