Human Eggs Bounce

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Dawn was breaking and the first golden rays of the sun reflected off the Coral Sea. I could hear the waddle giggle gargle of the magpies as they greeted the morning in the higher branches of our tree. It was shaping up to be a beautiful day. Thank heavens the south easterly was blowing for a change. It had been so hot for so long but today was much cooler. I just want to tell you the story of what happened.


I was sitting on the very edge of the patio overlooking the park. I looked toward my wife who was sitting on the feather mattress we call a bed. She was so beautiful. She has eyes as black as charcoal which match her colouring perfectly. Just looking at her I realised how lucky I was to have this ebony beauty as my wife. She was perfect in every way except maybe one. She did like to stick her beak into business that did not concern her.


"What do you think those people are doing down there?" She asked. I really didn't care. It was none of my business what they were doing. It was just people having fun in the park. They did it all the time. Sure there were more on the weekends but hey not everybody was like us and can afford to sit around all day.


"I don't know dear." I answered as sweetly as I could. I really didn't want to get into a fight over something as irrelevant as people in the park. What they were doing had no significance to me what so ever.


"Why don't you go down and have a closer look?" She persisted.


"Why don't you?" I snapped back. Damn I promised myself I wouldn't get angry with her. I do love her so much but gee it would be so much better if she would just keep her beak out of other people's business.


"Don't get snooty with me." She shot straight back at me.


"Sorry, dear. Alright, I will pop down and have a look, shall I?"


I stood up from my perch on the edge of the patio and flew across to the power lines on the edge of the park. I could still see my wife on the nest her black feathers shining in the sun. I guess you get that shiny effect when you spend three hours every day preening yourself. I didn't begrudge her the time it takes for her to keep herself beautiful. After all it is me she is doing it for and it makes me so proud when the rest of the murder gets together. "Ark!" I called to her but I don't think she heard me because she just sat there.


I had been sent to investigate what the humans were doing, so that is what I did. Now just wait till I tell you. It is unbelievable. They have such strange customs. Your gonna laugh when I tell you this. Are you sitting down because if your aren't your going to fall out of your tree?


You know how sometimes when an egg doesn't hatch? It goes rotten, doesn't it? Right. So what do you do? That's right you simply kick it out of the nest. It usually smashes on the ground and the ants clean it up. Or if it doesn't break a goanna will eat it. That explains why they have such bad breath but that is another story.


Anyway, humans have this obsession with hygiene. They are not content to just toss their rotten eggs out. No, they bundle them all together and take them to the park. Then they hit them with sticks. Their eggs must be hard because they don't break. They bounce. Yes, human eggs bounce. The humans keep hitting the eggs along the grass till they get them to a hole where I guess they bury them. I have never actually seen them fill in the holes and the holes must be very deep because time after time they hit the eggs into the hole. They always put their hand in to make sure the egg has gone right down.


Now I am a pretty smart crow and I reckoned I could crack one of those eggs. I also reckoned we could eat it once we had it cracked. So the next time they hit an egg over my side of the park I swooped down and picked it up. You should have heard the language that bloke spewed at me. Gee you'd think the egg was still good the way he carried on. But I knew it was off, why else would he be hitting it to the hole? Besides he had another one that he just took out of his bag of sticks.


So I bring this egg home. Ruthy says to me. "What have you got there?" Well, I couldn't answer her could I? The bloody thing was so big my beak was stretched to the limit. "Come on speak to me. What have you got?"


I opened my mouth just a little bit wider and the egg dropped out. It hit the side of the nest and rolled over the edge. Down, down, down it went. When it hit the rocks below, it bounced and I never saw it again. I know it didn't shatter, because I went down to have a look and there was no sign of it.


I flew back to Ruthy. "It was a human egg. They get rid of their rotten ones by hitting them with a stick into a hole, that they bury them in."


"You have got to be joking. Why on earth would they do that?"


"I don't know but I will go and get another one. I am sure I can crack it. One or two of those would make a lovely dinner, don't you think?"


"Oh, yes, I hope you get a real stinky one. They would be the best. I know a rotten plover's egg is much better than a fresh one, and you don't have to put up with all that, 'pip pip pip,' in you ear when they dive bomb you. Ha ha."


So off I go and get another human egg. Same thing happens, more rude words. I just can't understand some people. This time when I got it home, I gave it straight to Ruthy. We spend the next hour trying to break the bloody thing. I tell you, not a hope in hell. I am starting to understand why humans hit them with sticks and then bury them in a hole in the park. I have no idea how a baby human could peck its way out of one. They must have teeth like a shark.


Eventually we give up. We should have done what crows do with a rotten egg, push it over the side of the nest. That wasn't good enough for Ruthy. She says, "Take it up as high as you can and drop in on the rocks." Which of course, as a good husband I did. I flew so high I was getting ice in my eyes. I could barely make out Ruthy on the nest with our two eggs so far below. I let go the human egg and down it went. Ruthy said she heard it whizz by. I know it didn't break. I heard a clip sort of sound. Not a splop sound at all. Never saw than egg again either.


Later that day Ruthy said. "Your turn on the nest. I need a feed. I think I will forgo the human eggs. They are too hard to get into. There is something dead on the road. I will just get a take away and I will be right back."


"Ok, hun, see you when you get back." When she got up to leave I noticed that one of our eggs was broken. Now that there was only one, it looked so much bigger. In fact it looked a lot like a human egg. But that was impossible. I did the right thing by the Mrs and cleaned up the mess and then sat on the remaining egg to keep it warm.


Do you think I didn't cop an earful when she got home. She called me a clumsy oaf and a lot of other things. When I tried to tell her it happened on her watch, she up me for the rent about passing the buck.


The remaining egg is precious. It is a late season baby. We lost the first batch to a carpet snake but I figured there was plenty of time before winter to have a second go. Ruthy said I was just a randy old bugga but honestly she was up for it just as much as me.


Now it takes nearly three weeks for an egg to hatch and I know we were late but I for one didn't take note of the date the eggs were laid. The leaves are falling all around me but this bloody egg refuses to hatch. I know it is not rotten because it doesn't have that hollow sound when you tap it. Ruthy has been gone a couple of weeks. She said there was no point sitting any longer. Actually I thing she has taken up with that young raven from the other side of the park. Murray the magpie said he saw her with him yesterday. I am getting very hungry but I dare not leave the nest. The egg will get cold and die. It is very cold now. What am I going to do?


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Author's note.

This was just a fun story to break the afternoon. However there has been some talk of a sequel involving Murray the Magpie doing some PI work investigating exactly what Ruthie is up to with that raven. Let me know what you think.

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