Painful Love

Before

I sit on my knees next to my mother's hospital bed, clutching her cold clammy hand in mine. I squeeze. She squeezes back slightly. Her eyes are glazed over, tears forming at the base of her eyes, not powerful enough to flow down her pale cheeks. She tilts her head to the side, looking out the 3rd floor window. She starts shifting in her bed underneath the covers. "Mum" I remark. Her throat gurgles. "You must look at life in different angles to appreciate the beauty," she utters softly. She tilts her head back to face me sitting on the floor, arms wrapped around my kness. She takes her other hand and puts it on top our already intertwined ones. The corners of her mouth upturn in a slight smile, her eyes locked on mine. I squeeze her hand again. She doesn't squeeze back. I fumble to get up off the ground. "Mum?" I whisper. "Mum!" I shriek in a panic voice. "Mum no! Please! Mum!" I scream between sobs, my voice shrill and quivering as I jump up and down like a helpless girl. I collapse on the floor in sobs. I release her hand and it falls lifelessly at her side. I grab her boney shoulders and shake. Her mouth cranes open a little bit. I swear I could see her eyes crinkle one last time, like when she smiles and laughs her beautiful laugh. She was such a beautiful person. Her blond hair framed her head, laying on the pillow. The door burst open. Two women in white scrubs grabbed either side of mum's hospital bed. "Wait, what are you doing?" I shout from the floor. "Mum! MUM! You can't do this! No! Come back! Please!" I holler from the floor, screaming in agony. I try to calm myself down. I inhale too quickly and exhale unsteadily. My tears drip down to the floor. I perch myself up onto the chair, surrounded by pink "Get Better Soon!" balloons. I look out the window, barely visible through my blurry eyes. I remembered her last words. No matter how hard I tried, I could not appreciate the beauty in life if she wasn't there. She was a warrior. She never stopped fighting until these last few days. Even when she tried to keep her sense of humor you knew she was in pain. She was always in pain. However, she made sure to care about everyone else even more than herself. "It's all my fault!" I scream, hitting my fists into the beige wall, waterfalls pouring down from my unforgivable eyes. I turned back around to face the spot where she lay only a few minutes ago. Before she was swept away by the nurses. Before she was swept away to where they would uncarefully shove into a body bag, not realising what a gentle human being she was. Before she was swept out of my life, leaving my hopeless. I stared at that spot for a few minutes. I tilted my head. A few tears dropped down. I pictured her laying there in her bed, healthy, happy, and smiling at me, her eyes crinkling. My head still tilted I said aloud, "I found the beauty in my life. But now she is gone. How am I supposed to appreciate it now?" Her last words. They bounced in my head. They were there as I sat alone in the empty room. They were there as two other nurses guided me from the room and into a hallway. They were there as I peered into a window, witnessing her blank face being zipped up into a black bag. I stop. I press my face to the window. I stare at her. Brown eyes rolled towards the back of her head, her blond hair still shimmering as always. They zip her up. I am unable to speak. The nurses pull me away again, leaving tearstains on the once spotless window. They push me into the waiting room and out the front doors. I turn around. They wave and then leave. I face out towards the parking lot, observing the sun setting. I think of her. My eyes crinkle.