Nobody Told Me

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Sometimes the things we think we can handle given enough time are the things that no one should have to handle, and we don't realize how much damage they actually do to our hearts. There is a reason I fear having a family of my own. It's because if something should happen, I would never want anyone, let alone my own child, to feel what I have felt over the years. I'll start at the beginning. It was my sixth birthday when my parents divorced...

I wasn't told. It was on my birthday that I left the house, wanting to go across the street to play with my neighbor, Ben, only to find a large moving truck in the driveway with some of our furniture in it. At this I was very confused since we had only lived in this house for about a year, just long enough to finish the basement where my half brother, Matt, had his room. When I asked what was going on, I was ignored.

From then, I was told that I would be picked up on certain days by my grandfather on my Dads side so he could take me to the condo where my Dad was now living. I still was clueless as to why my parents were living in separate places.

The word divorce was introduced to me by a girl who started coming over periodically to my Dad's place with her mom. She told me it's when parents no longer love each other and they stop being married. Sydney told me a lot of things that should have been told to me by my parents. I didn't know that one day she would be my sister. Let's also say that, as I got to know her before her mother, Jen, and my dad got married, I kind of didn't want her to be my sister.

Often times, I think back on things that's happened with my Dad and I truly believe that he was not ready to be a Dad when I came along, let alone, a single one. He didn't have much patients with me and was quick to anger when things were... off. I remember clearly one day, we hadn't eaten lunch and Jen and Syd were coming over to have pizza for dinner. But when a six year old is hungry, she says something.

It was a mistake to tell my Father I was hungry. "You're hungry? What do you want me to do about it, huh?! Do you want to have warm pizza while everyone else has cold?!" My instant responce was to let tears slide down my face, however I held my voice in, knowing it would only make the situation worse. "You wanna cry? Go ahead and cry!" I sat on the couch and hugged my knees, hoping to hide myself while I wtched cartoons and waited. "Here, eat a few of these." My dad said as he thrust a bag of torilla chips at me.

I didn't want to eat anymore... But I had a few anyway to keep the beast at bay. I never told him I was hungry again... In fact, I started eating less... If he asked me if I was hungry, I never said 'yes', I always answered 'a little', because from then on, being hungry was a secret.

My mom moved houses. It was a nice place in a neighborhood that had plunty of other kids in it. Only problem? They were all boys. The last house on the street to the right of ours, a good friend of mine from lived. Zack and I were always getting into trouble together, both at school and at home. We had been in first grade together, though I was later held back while he continued on. I was a problem student.

I never told my parents full out what was going on at school. But maybe the school told them, I don't know, it would surprise me if Chatham schools actually gave a damn about their more unfortunate students. When kids are young, it's expected that girls will be friends with girls and boys with boys. Any diviation would leave you open to endless torment by threats of isolation because of cootie contamination. However, the girls didn't want anything to do with me.

My dad once said he always thought I was a pretty normal kid. The girls in my class obviously thought otherwise. I wasn't exact;y particualr to what they thought of me anyway, and I tried to find friendship in the boys, like I had at home. But being a girl quickly killed that. Instead, I was able to find friendship in two special needs students, Hannah and Chase. Whatever was making the others think I was weird obviously didn't bother them.

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⏰ Last updated: Mar 02, 2015 ⏰

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