1. "Michael Jackson's album was only called Bad because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic." -Prince

2. "He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair." -Boy George, on Prince

3. "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." -Johnny Carson, on Chevy Chase

4. "All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it." -Lyndon Johnson, on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

5. "The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead." -Samuel Goldwyn, on Louis B. Mayer

6. "People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable." -P.J. O'Rourke

7. "Armaments, universal debt, and planned obsolescence--those are the three pillars of Western prosperity." -Aldous Huxley

8. "The only thing dumber than a pitcher is two pitchers." -Ted Williams

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' " -Emo Philips

10. "He has so many fishhooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait." -Bob Costas, on Dennis Rodman

11. "If you're going to spit at me, make sure you hit me in the face. Don't be wasting my time." -Dennis Rodman

12. "If I had a hammer, I'd use it on Peter, Paul, and Mary." -Howard Rosenberg

13. "Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking." -Rupert Hughes

14. "He walks as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it." -Christopher Smart, on the poet Thomas Gray

15. "I couldn't warm to him even if I was cremated next to him." -Keith Richards, on Chuck Berry

16. "I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go onstage and look young." -Elton John

17. "One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged." -Heinrich Heine

18. "She not only kept her figure, she's added so much to it." -Bob Fosse

19. "Love is two minutes, 52 seconds of squishing noises." -Johnny Rotten

20. "Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses." -H.L. Mencken

21. "Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper." -Friedrich Nietzsche

22. "You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart." -Fred Allen

23. "Life is a cement trampoline." -Howard Nordberg

24. "He would sell you a rat's asshole for a wedding ring." -Tom Waits, on singer/songwriter Chuck E. Weiss

25. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with." -W.C. Fields