Cassandra's Rant - Comedic Female Monologue

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(A/N: ACTUALLY, THIS IS NOT MINE. J.F.F ;) )




No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves. There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. I am doomed to know all of the catastrophes that will befall us, yet no one believes me. Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy. All is twisted and sour -- and I am not just talking about the fruit punch. Can you not see all of the signs? They are all around us, even as we celebrate. Look there, Hercules the strongest man in the world can break anything, but he cannot break dance. And look here, Hades is the Lord of the Dead, yet he's the life of the party. Sisyphus refuses to rock and roll. Prometheus the Titan gave us the gift of fire, but he's banned smoking. Ares has made peace with the fact that his brother Apollo isn't very bright. Narcissus broke up with himself. Orpheus only speaks the truth, but he plays a lyre. Dionysus is sober but Icarus is high, Poseidon is sloshed and Medusa just got stoned. Atlas is on top of the world. Athena is proud of her humility, and Hermes thinks that hubris belongs on pita bread. Zeus knows everything except how to spell the word omniscient, and Thor -- What the hell is Thor doing here? Midas has the Golden Touch but thanks to Aphrodite he also has a touch of herpes. Medea is offering advice on parenting. Antigone is agreeable. An audience smart enough to understand these jokes is too intelligent to be amused by them. And Oedipus' date looks old enough to be his mother! And what do all these foreboding signs forebode? We are all doomed to die. The Greeks are preparing an attack. They will lay siege to this city and destroy this city and everyone within these walls shall perish by flame and arrow and sword. Oh, and you're out of napkins.

Mrs. Claus Dumps Santa - Comedic Female Monologue

This "stand-alone" comedic female monologue features Mrs. Claus breaking up with Santa. It may be used by students, actors, directors for educational or professional purposes. Keep in mind, it's simply a comedy sketch. I'm certain Mrs. Claus would never leave Santa!

MRS. CLAUS: (Writing a letter, speaking the words as she writes.)

To my dear husband. No. Dear Chris. No, no. Dear Nick. Dear St. Nick. No. Dear Mr. Claus. I am so sorry it has come to this. We've been married for over a dozen centuries and yet somehow we've grown apart. Maybe it's the fact that you spend more time with your reindeer than you do with me. Or that you don't feel complete unless you are down in your workshop, slave-driving those poor elves.

(Continues speaking, but no longer writing. Feel free to move about.)

The rest of the world sees you as unceasingly jolly, a constant beacon of merriment. But they don't know the real Claus. Quiet. Sullen. A workaholic who drinks too much eggnog! And what about that bowl full of jelly you call a stomach? Maybe you should spend less time making a list and checking it twice and more time on the treadmill! I'm sorry. I don't mean to lash out. None of these things really matter. They aren't why I'm leaving you. The truth is, I've met someone new. It doesn't matter who it is. All that matters is how I feel when we spend time together, hiding Easter eggs and decorating chocolate rabbits. All that matters is that we're happy. And I truly hope that you can find happiness too. Maybe with the tooth fairy? She's always had a thing for you.

(Returns to writing.)

You have my blessing. Good bye, my husband. I'm leaving this note next to a glass of milk and some cookies for old time's sake. Farewell.

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