Little Bird (Ed Sheeran)

Chapter 7 ~ Moni

     “We need to talk,” is all that he says, keeping his eyes on me. My heart is in my throat, my mutant butterflies believe they are in a new heavy metal concert, my hands are shaking and I can’t move. He’s here, in front of me, in my room and a part of me wants to run towards him, but the other part wants to jump off the window, scared as fuck.

Why is he here? This wasn’t supposed to happen like this, there’s something wrong.

But at the same time, my heart is happy to see him again and my hands tingle with the need to reach him. I remember, clearly, they way I felt in his arms the night before, the way his lips played with mine making me feel alive and new.

“Is– is there something wrong?” I try to ask casually, pretending like this is the most normal thing in my life.

“Yes, there’s something wrong, something I don’t understand,” he replies firmly taking one step closer. I want to step back, but I’m frozen. “I wanna know why you ran away last night,” he adds and my heart skips a beat. I bit my lower lip, not knowing what to do or say. “Moni,” he calls me taking another step. He’s closer and I still can’t move, nor reply. “Please, answer me. What’s wrong?”

Me. I’m the problem here, I’m the broken piece and I don’t fit here, I want to scream but my lips don’t part to let the words come out. I’m still there, like a statue, unable to make a single move. I can only look at him, remembering Mila’s words, that with my actions I hurt him, as well. I can see it in his eyes, the confusion and pain that my actions have brought upon him and I’m so sorry.

“Hey, you can tell me anything,” he assures me finally closing the distance between us and taking my hands. I’m trembling like a little bird in the middle of winter, alone and vulnerable. And I hate the feeling. I hate feeling powerless.

“I am the problem,” I whisper and he looks at me confused. “I– I don’t know what– how to be with someone. I– I just can’t, Ed. I don’t want to hurt you, in any possible way, and I know I’m a mess and I don’t know what to do, and I just feel like running and there’s a lump in my throat and I feel like choking right now but I can’t stop. I’m scared, I’m so scared…” I confess, though it seems more like I throw up words.

He doesn’t say anything, his arms wrap around me and bring me closely to his body, holding me tightly. I don’t move for a few seconds but then my arms sneak around him and I find myself hugging him back.

“Everyone gets scared, Moni. Otherwise, relationships would be easy and everyone would be happy. But if things are easy, we don’t appreciate them, right? You know that,” he reminds me and I hide my face in the crock of his shoulder, nodding slightly.

I know that, I know that we only really appreciate those things for which we work the hardest but I don’t see how I can make a relationship work. How do I do that? How can someone like me be with someone like Ed? Honestly, what does he see in me? Why is he here trying to fix this?

“Talk to me, Moni. Tell me why you’re so afraid,” he asks me and I tremble again.

“I– I just forgot how to feel,” I reply in a whisper and I know how stupid that sounds, but it’s the truth. “I think I lost that part of me,” I add and I feel his arms tightening around me.

“Tell me why,” he begs and I close my eyes tightly, knowing that I’m about to open an old wound again and it’s going to hurt, but he needs to know and I want to tell him. I want him to understand why I can’t do this. Why I’m running away.