Love Yourself

Chapter 18

HELLO WATTPADERS!!!! It was a long time ago since I have updated this story :( I am reaalllllyy sorry. I have been very busy again because I was flunking Math. GRRRR! It's really annoying lately and I have been doing my very best to at least get a passing grade from that friggin' exam. STUPID MATH. Why can't it solve its own problems? :/ My friend Heiza helped me writing this chapter. She is a very good writer, very good with words. Her stories are one of a kind. I hope she gets a wattpad account someday though. Now on to the story... :) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  A tug came at the zipper of my bag and I saw Oliver's flawless face inches from my own. "What are you doing?"   "It's too cold," he joined me in my sleeping bag, wrapping me tightly in his arms. "I need you to warm me up."   "Told you this was a bad idea," I teased, pressing my face to his frozen cheek. "Your feet are like ice." I shrieked as he wiggled his bare toes against my leg.   "I think it was a good idea," he pressed his sweet lips to mine softly. "Cause I get to spend the night with you in my arms."   I smiled into the sensitive skin of Oliver's neck and drifted off to sleep, his even breathing and gentle touch making me feel the safest I ever had   When I was in his arms the words of the rest of the world couldn't harm me       Oliver was still fast asleep when I woke up the next morning, his arm draped over me and his face pressed into my neck. He was mumbling softly under his breath and I did my best not to wake him as I untangled my legs from his. He rolled over as I crawled out of the warm sleeping bag, his hand finding mine in his unconscious state.   "Don't go," he murmured before flipping over and curling into himself, his breathing evening out as his slumber deepened. I climbed out of the tent, letting my bare feet sink into the dewy grass as the sun feebly attempted to peek out from behind the early morning clouds.   I walked over to the pond, my feet leaving marks on the otherwise flawless grass, carving a path to the place where I now rested. I pulled my knees to my chest, letting my chin rest on the red and black flannel of my pajama bottoms as I trailed a stick lazily through the still water of the pond.   As I sat there I began to think about everything. This past week and half with Oliver had been the best time of my life. Or non-life. I wasn't really sure how to classify it, but it had most definitely been the happiest I had ever felt. I didn't know how long I had left to spend with the blonde haired cutie and, in all honesty, I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend another day with him. The longer I looked into those gorgeous eyes and saw his breathtaking smile the harder I would fall. It would just hurt more when I was forced out.   He was the only person who had ever made me feel like I wasn't worthless and that meant everything to me. I remembered his words from last night, how he said that he would look over me when I was gone. It was a comforting thought. Even when I was a mere memory he would still be a part of me, whether I realized it or not.   The sooner I got out of here and moved on to whatever awaited me next, the better. Losing him was going to kill me, and I preferred to do it on my own terms instead of waiting for whoever was in charge of this limbo world to kick me out.   I stood back up, tossing my stick into the pond and taking in my surroundings one last time. I would miss this place.   "Oliver?" I ducked back into the tent and shook awake the sleeping angel. "Wake up."   "Hmmm?" Oliver rolled over, his blue eyes parting slightly. They opened wider when they locked on mine and I saw the pure happiness spread over his face when he saw me kneeling by his side. "Good morning beautiful." He sat up, his hands supporting his body from behind as he leaned in to kiss me gently.   It took everything I had to turn my head and let his lips brush my cheek instead of my mouth. I saw a glimpse of hurt dance over his features and the wispy shadow of a question settle in the back of his stunning eyes. Watching me warily, he leaned in and tried again. I blinked back my tears as I turned away again.   "What are you doing?" Oliver's voice was raw with hurt and confusion. He twisted the edge of the sleeping bag in his hands as his eyes ducked down. "Why are you being like this?"   "I can't stay here anymore," I couldn't meet his gaze. "Please show me your memories so I can go."   "What the hell Anna?" I could hear the tears in his words. "I thought for once someone actually liked me. I thought of all people, you wouldn't be the one to hurt me."   Then he pushed past me to get out of the tent, the sharp angle of his elbow accidently planting itself in my gut as he tried to get away as quickly as possible. I doubled over, clutching my arms to my stomach as I let out a small noise of pain.   Oliver stopped in his tracks, turning to make sure I was all right. His eyes flooded with regret and he grabbed my hand to pull me out of the tent. Once we were standing outside, the early morning breeze lifting our hair, Oliver pushed my arms away from my stomach.   "Are you okay?" he still looked upset, but I could see that his desire to make sure I was all right outweighed the knife he thought I had just stabbed in his back. "I didn't mean to hurt you."   "I'm fine," I lied. Physically I was, but emotionally I was a wreck. I didn't want to leave him, but I couldn't stay and have him wrenched out of my grasp. I wanted to leave before he made too permanent a mark on my heart.   "I'm sorry," he lifted the edge of my gray tee-shirt and brought his lips down to my stomach. He gave it a gentle kiss before dropping my shirt and standing up to his full height, which was a few inches taller than me. "I didn't hurt you did I?"   I shook my head, keeping my gaze on my feet.   "So why did you decide to hurt me?" his voice cracked as he whispered his question. "I know we haven't known each other very long but I thought you liked me. I mean," he shoved his hands into the pockets of his low hanging basketball shorts and rocked back on his bare heels, "you're the one who kissed me. You made me feel special."   I felt a lone tear run down my cheek and tried to erase the heartbreaking sound of Oliver's forlorn lilt from my mind. I didn't know he actually cared that much. "Someone better will come along, you won't miss me."   "Why are you doing this?" he scuffed his foot in the grass, doing everything not to meet my eyes. "I know we aren't like dating or anything and we barely know each other but I thought maybe..." He trailed off. When he looked up his sapphire eyes were glassy with unshed tears. "Even when I was alive I never had a serious relationship. I never found anyone I cared about enough. When I came up here to be in this limbo I watched my real life self and waited for someone who would be mine, but even then I never found someone to settle down with. My real life self died in a car accident and I continued living up here, doing my job and watching numerous people pass through. But still no one meant anything to me. And then you came."   He stopped talking abruptly and took off across the yard. I watched him run into the house, the glass door shaking as he slammed it behind him. I wanted to go after him, but at the same time I was relieved he was mad at me. It would make our goodbye that much easier.   I crawled back into the tent and curled up in a ball on the sleeping bag still warm with Oliver's body heat. I wrapped it around me, his intoxicating scent filling my nostrils as a few tears leaked from my eyes. I told myself that I barely knew him. I told myself that I only liked him because he was the first person to be nice to me. I told myself that when I woke up alive I would find someone to love me for who I was. I told myself that he didn't matter. I told myself that leaving him wouldn't hurt. I told myself that it wasn't him I liked, but his kind words. I told myself that it was his job to make me feel good about myself. I told myself that he didn't care. I told myself that I would be better off without him.   I told myself a million lies cutting him down, yet when I fell into a restless sleep he was all I saw.   I could hear the steady plunk of rain on the canvas roof of the tent as I huddled in the cold. I didn't really want to go inside and face Oliver, because I knew it would hurt. I had become good at shielding my emotions over the years, but there was something so pure about my feelings for Oliver that I couldn't hide them. I wished there was a way I could leave without having to see him again. I didn't want to hurt this way anyone. It was a different way than I was used to hurting and I had to admit it was even worse. I knew people were going to insult me, hurt me, and tear me down. I had grown to expect it. I had never expected to like someone and now that I knew I was losing him it hurt even worse.   "What's wrong with you Savannah?" I muttered darkly to myself as I pulled the sleeping bag up over my shoulders. "You barely even know the kid."   Was it the fact that no one had ever shown concern for me before that drew me to Oliver? Was it his stunning smile, his honest eyes? Was it the lilting happiness of his laugh? Was it the way he made me feel important? Was it just him in general?   I still couldn't tell if it was the boy I liked, or the idea of him. I didn't know a thing about him. I shouldn't feel this way. I was just delusioned by his pretty words and comforting ideas.   My brain tried to unravel the image of the blonde cutie from the sound of his dancing voice. If they were separate in my mind I could go through with this. I would feel as if I was leaving behind an ideal, not a physical person.   And that I could deal with.   "Anna?" Oliver's timid voice rushed to my ears, filling my body with feelings I no longer wanted to experience. He carefully joined me in the tent, making sure not to spill the large mug of hot chocolate he was carrying in his left hand. His right hand rested over the top to keep out the rain that was falling steadily outside the small haven of the tent. Oliver's blonde hair was matted to his forehead and small rivers of water were running down his face. His soaked polo clung to his chest and revealed every gorgeous muscle in his upper body. I tore my eyes away from his perfection and went back to pretending I didn't care about him.   It was the hardest thing I've ever had to fake.   "Here," he held out the mug to me. "I figured you'd be cold." His hand was shaking as he offered me the hot drink.   "No thank you," I replied stiffly.   Oliver set the mug in the corner of the tent before sitting down next to me. He took off his wet shirt, then pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them close to his body. I could see him shivering from the cold but he didn't make an effort to grab the extra sleeping bag.   "You can drink it," I nodded towards the hot chocolate, which had a few white marshmallows melting into the creamy liquid.   "I made it for you," he rubbed his nose. "I'm not drinking it."   I gave him a slight jerk of my head to show that I understood before scooting as far away from him as I could. The pain in his eyes was reflected in mine. I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't stay here and fall for him even more. I needed to leave and forget him before I made any more memories.   "Can you at least tell me why?" his pretty pink lips were turned down at the corners, as if they were too tired to rise into his signature smile. "Why did you pretend to like me?"   "I didn't pretend," I began to pick at the skin where my scars normally resided. "I do like you."   "Then why do you want to leave?" he moved forward and crossed his legs Indian style, our knees touching through the thick fabric of the sleeping bag hugging my frame. "You don't have to go yet."   "I want to leave before I start liking you even more," I murmured. "It hurts less that way."   Oliver's hands bracketed themselves on my face, forcing my eyes to meet his. "You won't remember the hurt," his tongue darted out to lick at his lips, "so why not make the most of our time together?"   My eyes dropped down to his perfect mouth. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms. I wanted to hear his voice whisper in my ear about how beautiful he thought I was. I wanted him to make me feel important. I wanted to lay down with him and spend the rest of my life listening to the beat of his heart. I wanted to hold his hand and never let go. I wanted to be his for the rest of eternity. I wanted to stay in this special place, our body heat warming up the tent as we looked into each other's souls and heard the steady drum of the rain above our heads. I wanted to drown in his eyes and never come up for air.   I wanted him to be real.       --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's Note: Hope your satisfied :) ♥   xbelievex